Thank you so much for responding to my post, I really needed to hear all your wisdom. You have really opened my eyes and have stopped me from blaming myself as much as to why the relationship isn’t matching up. I definitely think I do struggle with low self esteem and the thought of being alone completely, such as living by myself terrifies me. I would love to find another single roommate, but all my friends are in long term committed relationships and I don’t know anyone else I could live with. Random roommates terrify me, so I feel like my only option is to live alone. I feel like I might have to walk through the storm completely to get to where I want to be in life.
Hi beautiful Sara! I'm so glad you responded here. Yes, I think that usually...getting to where we want to be involves walking directly through the storm. I've walked through my share of storms in my thirty years and every time, I promise you, has felt worth it.
I'll also say that I understand the fear of "random" roommates -- but! One of my best and dearest friends I've made in life was a "random" roommate. She was a friend of my friend, so not Craigs List status, though I've had friends who had great success with that too.
Keep your head up and clear. You know what to do! And this community is here for you <3 I hope you saw all the amazing comments of support on my TikTok video. We are on your side!
As a total stranger who lived in a situation where I hated my partner at the time… the amount of self-loathing that living situation produced in me was not worth the money I “saved.” You end up in a tense house where you are walking on eggshells and you close yourself off to meeting new people. I stayed with my now-ex (thank god!) for three years past the expiration date on that relationship and it was truly miserable. He didn’t respect me and I lost respect for myself. When I ended up moving back in with my parents he said “I spent x-amount of money on you, I bought a house for you” as if he bought me too. I don’t have a lot of context for your relationship but living with your boyfriend (and if he becomes an ex later) given what details you’ve given it could get very ugly and abusive. When I broke up with my ex it felt like I could breathe. I actually met my now current boyfriend that I live with now shortly after (although we dated long distance before moving in three years later) money leaves but the thing is you will eventually replace it. Please read up on the “sunk-cost fallacy” it is what often keeps people in relationships that do not benefit them due to amount of time/money they have given to it. Once you open yourself up to a new path it’s amazing what love and support is on the other side. You don’t need him!
You were really able to give very direct and thoughtful advice while (in my opinion) not making “Roommate” feel dumb for making the decisions she made prior to this turning point in her life. You offer visions of confidence and independence for her as opposed to worry and loneliness. Oh the world I hope she gets to experience in the “after”!
I just listened to this column when you revisited it on your podcast! I love hearing you reflect on older episodes, even if it feels a little uncomfortable for you at times. There were things I was hoping you would touch on in your response that didn't come up, so I was glad to hear you reflect on that at the end. In addition to depression, I'm curious about what the letter writer describes as selfish behavior on her end. I wonder if he had previously tried to set boundaries around social events and felt dismissed or that those boundaries were stomped on. I could see that leading to an overcorrection that comes across as far too severe. In any case, I don't think it really changes the nature of your advice, which is that they don't seem to be compatible. I hope she found the courage to live alone and enjoy her post-college early twenties with her friends.
"I promise, if you allow your intuition to lead your life, if you look outside your window towards the darkness you’ll see the voice is not a monster but a butterfly, listen and go wherever it takes you." - this line made me smile and tear up at the same time. Your letters are always so great, Hayes! Love you <3
Thank you so much Maya! I worked on that line a bunch and when the "monster but a butterfly" part came to me I was like, yes, that's motherfucking IT!!!!! I appreciate you.
So well-said! A shared social life is one of the most meaningful pieces of my own relationship — I am an extrovert and my partner is introverted but building a life together is important. All of those dinners and hang outs do indeed build a life.
Thank you so much for responding to my post, I really needed to hear all your wisdom. You have really opened my eyes and have stopped me from blaming myself as much as to why the relationship isn’t matching up. I definitely think I do struggle with low self esteem and the thought of being alone completely, such as living by myself terrifies me. I would love to find another single roommate, but all my friends are in long term committed relationships and I don’t know anyone else I could live with. Random roommates terrify me, so I feel like my only option is to live alone. I feel like I might have to walk through the storm completely to get to where I want to be in life.
Hi beautiful Sara! I'm so glad you responded here. Yes, I think that usually...getting to where we want to be involves walking directly through the storm. I've walked through my share of storms in my thirty years and every time, I promise you, has felt worth it.
I'll also say that I understand the fear of "random" roommates -- but! One of my best and dearest friends I've made in life was a "random" roommate. She was a friend of my friend, so not Craigs List status, though I've had friends who had great success with that too.
Keep your head up and clear. You know what to do! And this community is here for you <3 I hope you saw all the amazing comments of support on my TikTok video. We are on your side!
Stay strong. 💗 I wish you the best in your living situation, I'm sorry that it's so hard. I hope a good opportunity opens up for you soon!
As a total stranger who lived in a situation where I hated my partner at the time… the amount of self-loathing that living situation produced in me was not worth the money I “saved.” You end up in a tense house where you are walking on eggshells and you close yourself off to meeting new people. I stayed with my now-ex (thank god!) for three years past the expiration date on that relationship and it was truly miserable. He didn’t respect me and I lost respect for myself. When I ended up moving back in with my parents he said “I spent x-amount of money on you, I bought a house for you” as if he bought me too. I don’t have a lot of context for your relationship but living with your boyfriend (and if he becomes an ex later) given what details you’ve given it could get very ugly and abusive. When I broke up with my ex it felt like I could breathe. I actually met my now current boyfriend that I live with now shortly after (although we dated long distance before moving in three years later) money leaves but the thing is you will eventually replace it. Please read up on the “sunk-cost fallacy” it is what often keeps people in relationships that do not benefit them due to amount of time/money they have given to it. Once you open yourself up to a new path it’s amazing what love and support is on the other side. You don’t need him!
You were really able to give very direct and thoughtful advice while (in my opinion) not making “Roommate” feel dumb for making the decisions she made prior to this turning point in her life. You offer visions of confidence and independence for her as opposed to worry and loneliness. Oh the world I hope she gets to experience in the “after”!
Oh the world!!! I hope she experiences it, too. This comment made me smile. Thank you Zach, as always...your encouragement means so much.
What an amazing article. And wonderful, sound commentary on self worth.
Love you mom, my biggest fan!
I just listened to this column when you revisited it on your podcast! I love hearing you reflect on older episodes, even if it feels a little uncomfortable for you at times. There were things I was hoping you would touch on in your response that didn't come up, so I was glad to hear you reflect on that at the end. In addition to depression, I'm curious about what the letter writer describes as selfish behavior on her end. I wonder if he had previously tried to set boundaries around social events and felt dismissed or that those boundaries were stomped on. I could see that leading to an overcorrection that comes across as far too severe. In any case, I don't think it really changes the nature of your advice, which is that they don't seem to be compatible. I hope she found the courage to live alone and enjoy her post-college early twenties with her friends.
"I promise, if you allow your intuition to lead your life, if you look outside your window towards the darkness you’ll see the voice is not a monster but a butterfly, listen and go wherever it takes you." - this line made me smile and tear up at the same time. Your letters are always so great, Hayes! Love you <3
Thank you so much Maya! I worked on that line a bunch and when the "monster but a butterfly" part came to me I was like, yes, that's motherfucking IT!!!!! I appreciate you.
Very well said! Look forward to this column every week! :)
Welcome Michelle!! Thank you so much for subscribing. I'm so happy to have you here and look forward to hearing what resonates with you as we go :)
So well-said! A shared social life is one of the most meaningful pieces of my own relationship — I am an extrovert and my partner is introverted but building a life together is important. All of those dinners and hang outs do indeed build a life.
THIS! Yes! I'm so grateful you're here and that you shared your perspective. Please keep doing so when you feel compelled to :)