#8: My Boyfriend is a Hermit. Should I Move In With Him?

Introversion is not a flaw. What you describe is something different.

Photo by Ahmed Sobah on Unsplash

Hello Hayes,

I’m looking for advice about whether I should move in with my boyfriend of 3 years in September. We have the same views on marriage, children, hobbies, religion and politics. We also have some striking differences. He is a hermit who is extremely introverted, while I am an extreme extrovert. Over the past year he has decided to be less and less involved in my social life. As of now he has not seen any of my friends or been to any social events outside of family functions since October. When I brought this up to him recently, his true feelings came to light. 

The overall theme of the conversation is that he doesn’t like my friends and that he has no desire to get to know them. He wants us to have separate social lives and assured me that I’m not obligated to be around his friends either. (For context: He barely sees his own friends, but when he does, I make the effort to see and get to know them.) He said that he doesn’t stop me from going out, and that I should be happy with how much socialization I get outside of him. 

I shared that the reason I want him there is because I love him and want him to be in all aspects of my life. He said that he needs to worry about his own happiness. I suggested that he join me at one event every 3 months. He said that he would only come to two events per year and I would have to just accept that.

The thing is, I wasn’t the best partner at the start of 2022. I wasn’t working on some of the bad qualities about myself, like my selfishness. We almost broke up because of it but I’ve been to individual therapy and couples therapy to be better for myself and for him. He says he’s noticed an immense improvement, but I wonder now if he still holds resentment and if that’s why he doesn’t put in effort and make compromises. 

I am at a loss for what to do. I am graduating from college in May and am planning on moving in with him in the apartment that we both share. We signed the lease together last September because the rent was too good to be true: $750 for a two-bedroom place, utilities included. I’ve been paying rent for eight months even though I don’t live there yet — otherwise we would have lost the deal. 

When we had our conversation about our social life, I felt like I couldn’t be honest out of fear of jeopardizing my living situation. I almost want to renew the lease in September despite not being sure about the relationship. I just want to get a return on my investment and save up money, because as a recent college graduate, I don’t know if I could afford rent on my own.

I wish I had the freedom to make a decision about my boyfriend without weighing the financial tolls. I worry about leaving him because he’s got a lot of other good qualities that keep me grounded, such as being practical and wise. He is loving and sweet and gives me comfort in the world, and we do enjoy each other’s company and work overall to make each other better. 

Do I wait to see if things will change? If they don’t, do I renew the lease with him anyways and decide at a later date to break up and just live with him as an ex/roommate? Or should I make a decision before the lease ends?

Thank you, 

Roommate

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Dear Roommate, 

Your timing is perfect. You’re in your Before Times, After is coming soon. Can you feel it? I sense the urgency in your letter. It mirrors others in my inbox. It’s the urgency of beginning your new life post-college, but also the urgency that follows an inconvenient relationship realization. 

We try to ignore the visions that mess up our plans. Especially the ones we’ve so carefully laid. But once the thought is there, it stares at you outside your window. You think it’s gone but then there’s movement in the night and there it is, bright and frightening. 

What am I supposed to do with this? 

Every day you ignore the truth about your relationship is another day it gnaws at you. The longer you delay your decision, the faster you feel you have to run to catch up. 

Hence the urgency in your letter. 

Do you feel like time is running out? It’s not. You have all the time you need to course-correct your situation. 

Play a game with me. I want you to imagine you’re suspended in air. That thing you wish for is happening: The world around you stops for a moment but you have space to move, to think. The world has stopped so that you can begin. 

For now it’s just the two of us, everything else can wait. 

I was thinking about likability when I read your letter. Most of us just want to be liked. And we want our partners to be liked too. But sometimes their actions are utterly unlikable. When we’re in denial about our compatibility with someone, whether it’s a friend or lover or even a family member, we often describe their flaws in the context of their strengths. (“He’s been making me feel bad about my opinions lately but he’s also super smart and makes me feel good in other ways!!!!”) We want the person we’re complaining about to still be likable to whoever we’re complaining to. We don’t want to be judged. 

I feel like you are trying to make your boyfriend seem likable. I see it when you say “we have the same views on hobbies” or “he’s practical” or “he has a lot of good qualities.” I believe you. People can be many things at once. 

I also believe there are things you find unlikable about him. Particularly some of the ways he acts and makes you feel. His behavior. 

I believe you when you say you love him — but liking someone is just as important as loving them. (At least when it comes to choosing a partner.)

For the rest of this conversation, I want you to try and remove the “positive” qualifiers and just focus on what isn’t working. You strike me as a considerate and selfless person but I want you to put your needs first for now. You’re allowed to put your needs first. 

So let’s talk about what you dislike. There’s nothing wrong with being introverted or socially anxious. That is not the gripe that you have with your boyfriend. 

What I suspect you dislike — and what certainly alarms me — is how he minimizes your desire to have a meaningful shared social life. Though you didn’t quite articulate it to me, I don’t think you like that he labels you as “Needs Improvement.” Several times in this letter you reference the work you are doing to make each other better, to make yourself better. I agree with the idea of “making each other better” as an intangible concept but I think that saying refers to the natural ways we do that. Your partner should not make you feel like a work in progress. The rest of the world will do that for you. 

I don’t think we can blame your boyfriend’s refusal to participate in your social life on being an introvert. Being an introvert does not make you selfish or stubborn. The behavior you describe is both of those things, and what he said to you sounds like manipulation. 

“You should be happy with how much socialization you get outside of me.” 

I want to jump into the scene and correct him. You are not a dog or an infant or a captive. What he said is a baseball throw away from “you should be happy I let you out of the house.”

I’m sorry he minimized your feelings. When I read that part of your letter, alarm bells went off. It was the first time I thought “she’s right to rethink this relationship” — and the thought continued as I read more of your letter.

Unless he didn’t say it quite like that. There’s always the chance that what you report to me is your interpretation of what he said. 

The other day I had a terrible headache. I was sitting on the couch, scrolling on my phone, “working.” I complained to Brian. 

“Why don’t you put your phone away for a little bit and go get some fresh air, that always helps,” he said. 

I was instantly angry. Instead of hearing what he actually said, I heard “of course you have a headache you idiot, you’ve been on your phone for two hours, this is why social media is toxic.” 

Ha! What is wrong with me? Everything and nothing. I projected my own insecurity and found subliminal meaning when it just wasn’t that deep. He was just trying to help. 

It’s worth tossing out (for the sake of “considering both sides”) that there’s a chance that that’s what you're doing here. Misunderstanding. BUUUT, based on how specific you are with his terms and language, I highly doubt that you’ve misunderstood. 

It was very generous of you to suggest that he only come to “one event every three months.” But cut it out! You’re talking about your life like it’s an inconvenience. These “events” you talk about? Added together, those make up a full life. Dinners and house parties and hikes and shows and walks and weddings and baby showers and divorce parties — those are the main events. Is this how you want to live? I see that you are putting in the work, trying to be sensitive and accommodating, but for what? 

For him? For someone who responds to your generosity by saying, “no, I will only do TWO EVENTS A YEAR” and “YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT.” 

No. There is nothing you “have to” accept, my love. Acceptance is a choice and the choice is yours. 

If you’re happy with his terms, great, every couple is entitled to making up whatever rules work for them. But you don’t seem cool with his *vision*.

Your boyfriend has gotten to your head and we need to get him out of there. Everyone talks about being careful with the heart, but I believe the brain needs the most protection. 

Pluck him out right now. Remember we’re suspended in time. He cannot hear you. 

Now that he’s gone. Who said you were being selfish — you or him? You gave me no context or examples so I’m left to guess. Is it that you had the audacity to ask for more? Let’s say you have been selfish and an inconsiderate partner, and you’re right, he has been harboring some grudge against you and that’s why he’s acting like a demanding baby. I honestly don’t care what you did. If a person can’t forgive you then they should let you go. But since we cannot expect other people to do our dirty work for us, we can say the inverse: if a person cannot forgive you, then you should let them go. 

What does he mean when he says he’s noticed an “immense improvement” in you? He’s not your manager. This isn’t a performance review at work. Your improvement is not his alone to notice. When a relationship is turbulent, both people feel it shake. The same goes for when it steadies. So theoretically, if you’ve been the asshole and now you’ve changed your behavior, you would also feel some reprieve. But that is the opposite of what’s happening. While he notices “an immense improvement” in you, you’re writing me a letter. You feel categorically worse. 

That means something!!! 

Now for the money thing. The annoying reality of life is that, for most of us, our finances impact our decision making. I don’t know the nitty gritty of your $$ situation but I do know that you have options beyond “move in with boyfriend” or “go broke.”

For one, you can get a roommate. A roommate that you are not having sex with, ideally. Or used to have sex with! (To be more direct: No, I do not think you should live together if you break up. While I understand the temptation and I say this with love, it’s a terrible idea.) Most people can’t afford their own apartment when they are 22-years-old, which is convenient for you, because it means you WILL find a roommate.

I understand that you’re hesitant to lose the $3,000 or so dollars you’ve already spent towards this apartment. Towards your boyfriend living there without you. The thing is, you’re not getting that money back either way, love. That money is gone, it went towards a future you’re not even sure that you want. 

You do not need to dig yourself into a deeper hole just to make a return on your investment. Alienation from your friends and the loss of your confidence will not feel like a return.

Second semester freshman year, my on-and-off again boyfriend from high school was abroad in Spain. He was two years older than me. This guy put me through the wringer for the two years before, it was real emotional whiplash. Conveniently, when it was my turn to try college, he decided that he was ready to commit. I, on the other hand, was entertaining a different future for myself. 

Still, I booked a trip to go visit him abroad for my Spring Break. It was an expensive trip, a few thousands dollars. My mom paid for it. As my flight got closer, I felt more and more ill about the idea of going. I did not think it was a good idea. I had visions of a real nightmare situation. BUT THE MONEY! How could we lose that money? I almost went.

In an effort to get a return on my investment, I was willing to lower the value I placed on myself. 

But then I mustered up the courage to tell my mom what I was feeling and she told me that my safety — my physical, emotional, spiritual safety — was priceless. So allow me to say that to you too: There is no price too high to protect your spirit. 

Do not lower the price of your own value, my love. Your happiness and standards are worth the $3,000 loss. It would be a shame for you to have spent that money only to become more stuck. You spent that money to learn. Think of it as a deposit towards your independence. Do not make decisions based on fear. I promise, if you allow your intuition to lead your life, if you look outside your window towards the darkness you’ll see the voice is not a monster but a butterfly, listen and go wherever it takes you. If you do that then I believe you will get the only return you need. The return of yourself. 

Xo, 

Hayes