Why Do Interviews Make Me Sick?
Some advice I gave myself last week that might help you too.
A few hours before I did my podcast interview with The Bright Side, a new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, which is live this morning, I walked into Brian’s office and said “I don’t want to do interviews anymore.” They cannot be worth what I’m feeling right now which is hot and nervous and suuuuuuper in my own head.
You’re acting like you do interviews all the time, he laughed.
True, I smiled. He humbles me.
We’ve had this conversation before. I’ve also had it with friends.
Earlier this year, after doing an interview I did not enjoy, I told my friend Lauren that I thought I was done. After listening to my rationale and validating the reasons I felt icky, she suggested that maybe instead of writing interviews off completely, I come up with a strategy to do them confidently. You know, feel more in control.
Lauren has the gentle directness that I look for in any new friends I make in life.
The thing is that I get so fucking nervous before I do an interview, and not just the ones where I’m feeding the content machine. I get nervous before some meetings where I’ll have to talk about myself, “prove myself” in some way. I used to get literally sick before job interviews. It never really impacts my performance during the show or whatever, but it exhausts me and isn’t a great way to live.
Brian kinda cocked his head at me, pulled me in for a hug, and said, this is what you do. Can we try and remember that you’re good at talking about your work? And that you sometimes actually enjoy these conversations?
Ok, I said, and walked out of the room consoling myself aloud: “I like doing this. It’s fun. I’m going to have fun.”
Then I thought about why I felt so insecure, and while I wouldn’t say what I came up with is necessarily an epiphany or eureka moment, it does feel kind of major for me. So:
I feel sick before these conversations because I enter them as a slightly personified version of myself, rather than as my actual self. (Which, as it relates to the stuff you guys see, is the self I share in my writing and my podcast and in some of my videos.) It’s still me in these interviews, but it’s an “ideal” version of me. Ideal for who? Well, whoever I’m talking to! I want to be exactly what they want and more. The exhausting thing about that is that everyone has a different preference. And I’m fucking exhausted!!!!!!! So I’m done doing it.
It’s not that I’m a people pleaser, my friends and family would laugh at that idea because I’m also defiant and opinionated, but I do want to be liked and approved of, especially by people who I’ve put on a pedestal as some puppeteers of my success.
Now, just twenty minutes before I logged on for the interview, I decided that instead of trying to be what I imagine someone wants me to be — which will always just be something in my imagination — I am going to be myself. Like, actually myself. And we’ll see how that goes.
Showing up as myself, answering questions as honestly as I can in the moment, giving myself breaks to pause, to think, to say “I’m not sure”…that is the only thing I can do with 100% certainty.
As soon as I gave myself that permission, I not only felt my nerves fade, but I actually got excited for the interview. Worst thing that happens is we have an awkward conversation and they don’t air the episode or invite me back.
But the best case scenario is that I gain further proof that I can always just show up as myself. Maybe if I start doing that, just being myself, I will take some pressure off and get some time back into my life. How many hours have I wasted trying to present the perfect way? Trying to predict and interpret how someone wants to be me? I can only be myself. She is who I choose.
And as a result, I really enjoyed this conversation — it was my favorite I’ve had as “Hello Hayes” so far. When we stopped recording, they said I crushed it (generous of them), and I said I was so nervous, I hope it’s what you wanted.
There I go again. “I hope it’s what you wanted.”
And I do, I always want to be a generous guest who cares about other people’s experiences with me. But moving forward, I’ll care about my experience just as much as theirs.
Thank you to Danielle and Simone for being smart and gracious hosts, Jessica for the excellent production and making me feel super prepared, and to the extended Hello Sunshine and iHeart teams for having me.
You can listen to the interview here:
Advice!
I brought three Hello Hayes letters on the episode to discuss with Simone and Danielle — they’re such great hosts, btw. We didn’t get to talk about them all, or get to discuss in super great detail, so I’m going to feature them on a Hello Hayes episode next week. I think it will be cool to listen to the early, brainstorming advice in our conversation together on The Bright Side — and then hear the “final product” in my episode next week.
There’s one submission we didn’t have time to discuss at all during the interview (see below). I’m writing my outline over the weekend…if you have thoughts about this scenario — your own advice, experience, or questions — drop them in the comments and I’ll keep them in mind for the episode.
Thanks for being here,
Hayes
Hello Hayes,
I have a group of friends that I’ve been tight with since grade school. We’re in our late twenties now and all live in different places. We meet up on rare occasions and check in with each other every now and then.
Recently I found out via social media that some of the group went on a trip together, and left a few of us out. I never would have suggested taking a trip with them and I don’t keep in touch, but realizing that I wasn’t invited really stings. I never considered that some of the group may be getting closer and making other plans while only a few of us drifted apart.
I’m not sure why this hurts so much but I can’t help but feel devastated. Am I wrong to feel this way? I feel too awkward to text or check in. Even though I wouldn’t say anything about the trip, I would be thinking about what I did wrong to get left out and if they were going to talk about whatever I say privately amongst themselves.
Yours,
Lonely
One thing that has opened so much headspace for me recently is letting people be and not attaching my meaning to their actions…in this case, not letting myself feel like they don’t want to be my friend at all because I didn’t get invited the trip. Vacations are an intimate thing that you only get a few of, would you use yours with people you feel that you have drifted away from? Would they expect you to be willing to do the planning for the trip in your position of friendship? Did they mean any harm by not inviting you?
I think when it comes to our Lonely writer, I think they should reflect on why they are upset. Are they upset that the group dynamics have changed? Are they just upset that they're missing out?
I would suggest they give themselves permission to feel sad that their relationship has changed. They are at a crossroads where they can either choose to be at peace with their decision to step back from the group (to the point that they were excluded) or choose to rebuild and strengthen that relationship.
Lastly, this insecurity that they feel, wondering about how the group will react to them - part of that, I think, is their own failure to recognize that this is the result of their own choice to not keep in touch. It could be that the feeling is ultimately mutual, but that's a bridge to cross when you get to it.