Why Does Happiness Feel So Hard?

Introducing The Hello Hayes Interview (with Stephanie Harrison, The New Happy)

Welcome to The Hello Hayes Interview, a new series where I have conversations with creative people about how and why they make the things they make. We’ll nerd out about process and craft and routine and just learn how different artists feel about and interact with their unique talent. I’m pretty excited about this new format for a couple of reasons:

1. I did interviews in a previous job and really loved it. The whole process is a creative puzzle for me: I get to research the talent and come up with questions, then I have to relinquish control when the conversation actually happens and inevitably takes its own shape, and then I get to read the transcript or listen to the audio and carve a story from the conversation. It’s a deeply satisfying process for me so I’m bringing it here, into the Hello Hayes universe! How about that! 

2. I love listening to these types of interviews, they inspire my own process a great deal. I also appreciate the delight that comes with trusting an interviewer’s taste. Like, if Colin and Samir of The Colin and Samir Show think their guest is interesting and worth my time, I will listen to that conversation even if I’m not familiar with the creator. This is how I learn about some of my favorite writers and creators, and I’m excited to contribute to that discovery lifecycle in my own way. 

I see this living as both a written series and a podcast. Perhaps full conversations on the pod, highlighted excerpts here in the letter? Please share your thoughts, encouragement, and ideas for future guests in the comments :)

Here we go!

—Hayes

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Today we’re talking with Stephanie Harrison, the writer, designer, and creator of the New Happy philosophy (and very first Hello Hayes podcast guest). She’s also my friend, and her presence in my life is like courage incarnate. For the last four years, she’s shared her work with millions of people across the internet, and FINALLY, next week, we get our hands on her first book, NEW HAPPY.

The book explores why true, enduring happiness can feel out of reach, and what we can do to change that. It helps us understand why we feel sad sometimes, even when we have everything we thought we wanted. 

The culprit, in brief, is “Old Happy,” Stephanie’s all-encompassing term for the lies we’ve been told about happiness. Old Happy is what says we’ll only be happy when we achieve, make money, keep our heads down, and “do things the way they’re supposed to be done.”

I’ll be happy when I get the new job!

I’ll be happy when I get engaged!

I’ll be happy when I make as much money as my friends! 

AND NOT A MOMENT BEFORE!

How to move from Old Happy to New Happy is the primary instruction of the book. And listen, I don’t typically enjoy instructional books unless they’re about writing. This is the first book on happiness or well-being that doesn’t read as bullshit to me. Instead it cracks me open like all the best re-readables do. I will return to NEW HAPPY just as I do THE ARTIST’S WAY or BIG MAGIC — randomly, regularly, and with relief for its existence.

Buy New Happy here. Follow Stephanie on Instagram or TikTok.

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Alexandra Hayes Robinson: Let’s start with a good ‘ol existential question…where do you identify on the artist to writer continuum? 

Stephanie Harrison: I probably still identify more with being a writer, but ironically, even with the book coming out, that still feels hard to claim. Maybe I identify more as a designer, as somebody who is trying to communicate ideas in different ways. It's almost like a writer. A designer can be a writer or they can use the written word or they can use visual language. They have different options and approaches. Claiming any of those words, though, is still something I feel a bit of imposter syndrome about.

Hayes: Why do you think that is?

Stephanie: Probably because I don't have any formal training in it, especially the artwork. It's all very intuitive. And maybe because the work has unfolded in a natural, organic way, it feels like it might not be as serious or as important? Even though I know it’s meaningful and important. To me, at the very least.

Hayes: What are your thoughts when you look at the original art you shared on The New Happy’s Instagram, when you were first learning how to communicate through design? 

Stephanie: First I think, “wow, this is embarrassing.” Then I think, “wow, I'm so proud of myself that I was willing to try that.” And finally, I see the seed of what happens today — how The New Happy communicates abstract ideas through abstract artwork. I see it in that first piece that I made. It was sometime in 2020 and I was going through such a difficult time in my life.¹ On the left hand side is a big dark gray circle, and underneath I wrote: This is how it feels right now. And then on the right side, that same dark circle shrunk down in a row of many other colored circles, like the progression of time, and underneath I wrote: This is how it'll feel someday. I think I burst into tears when I made it because I was in the dark gray circle. The idea that it could pass was impossible to imagine. And yet I was so determined to hold onto that idea, even if it was just for a second at a time. It was at that moment that I thought, Okay, this might help somebody who is in a similar spot. 

Hayes: What about that piece in particular unlocked the design language for you?

Stephanie: Before, I was communicating these concepts in a way that was disconnected from the human being. It was: Here's a finding from an academic journal about how grateful people are happier, or something like that. Then, when I had my own personal reaction to making this piece, I realized, No, it's about the experience of the person who's feeling gratitude. It’s about their inner landscape when they’re experiencing gratitude. That’s what I need to communicate in the design. I had to make the connection between the research and the feeling.

Hayes: How often are you mining your inner landscape for your work? 

Stephanie: Quite frequently. I like to read the research and then I have to reflect on what it means for me. For example, let’s say I know this finding from a study, like, “People who have low self-worth are going to struggle to have positive relationships in their life.” That's the finding. Then what we have to do is to translate that into the personal experience. What does it feel like when you don't feel good enough and you can't build relationships with people? From there, it’s possible to come up with a visual representation of the original finding. The only way I can do that, personally, is by paying attention to my own inner experience and trusting that I'm not different from anybody else. That my pains and challenges and experiences are what help me connect with other people.

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Hayes: You have a huge audience online, millions of people across all your platforms. The material in the book, one could argue, is more challenging(?) than the work you share on the internet. The artwork has a different feel, too — sharper colors, more Mondrian, maybe more abstract? I’m curious…as a person who shares things online, your audience becomes accustomed to a certain thing you make. How do you think they’ll receive it?

Stephanie: I think the book is an evolution of what they might be used to. I hope that they find it interesting. As creatives and creators, we have a responsibility to push the limits and do things that are different. For example, when we² were creating this book, we tried putting in Instagram-style images, but it doesn't work in a book. It's distracting. It's not integrated with the text in the same way, it doesn't have the same feeling. I believe that if someone is a fan of the New Happy artwork on Instagram or on social media, they will connect in the same way with this art. But they also might want to sit with it for a little bit longer. That's the luxury of having a book, you can hold the page open and enjoy it, versus, when you're on your phone, it's always kind of onto the next thing. The analogy that I would use is that of being at a museum. Last night, Alex said: If we consumed the work in a museum the way that we consume work on social media, we’d just be running around the room trying to get through the art as quickly as we could — 

Hayes: My god. That’s a really, really profound image. 

Stephanie: — and I think he's spot on. To be clear, I'm extraordinarily grateful for the ability that we have with social media to reach people in these ways. But again, a book is a different form. So what does it look like to design for the form that's in your hands? That's why we put so much time into designing this book to be really beautiful and to support the messages that are in it as well.

Hayes: I wanted to ask you about Alex. When I read your acknowledgements of the book, your line about Alex made me cry.³ I think that anybody who reads the book, who makes it through the acknowledgements, will feel that same connection. What does this moment feel like, publishing this book now, having gone through what you went through together, and are still going through? 

Stephanie: It feels like the greatest gift I could ever imagine to have been able to witness somebody's extraordinary courage and brilliance and determination every day for the last several years. And to know that he has been fighting for the same thing that I am, for this goal of making a happier world. Devoting himself to it through even the hardest of times. Whenever I feel tired or overwhelmed or anything else like that, I just think about him and it all sort of goes away. I wish that everyone could know what it's like to be the recipient of a love that is like the one he gives me. So accepting and encouraging and also allowing me to grow and to contribute in the ways that I'm becoming capable of through his love. I think that it's become a model for me of what we can do for one another, to love one another in those ways, in any form of relationship, to love somebody enough into the new evolution of themselves. To me, that’s what it's all about. And it's only become clearer through my own personal experience with receiving that and striving to show up and give that to other people in return where I can.

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Hayes: Thank you for that. Switching gears — [laughter] — if Old Happy is defined by fame and money and “traditional” toxic markers of success, how have you been grappling with the book launch, given, ya know, how much of publishing seems to be about all that?

Stephanie: It’s shown me how easy it is to get caught back up in any of those ideas. I’m continually trying to focus on the fact that there's no lasting happiness waiting for me on May 14th. As much as it's a dream to publish a book and something I'm so grateful for, I know with clarity that this doesn't fundamentally change anything about me. A big part of Old Happy is this idea that if you can just achieve something, then you'll escape your humanity and all of your pain and your challenges. And I know that that's not true.

Hayes: What are the specific Old Happy thoughts that come up? Do you have the same fears as anybody else, like, about how the book is gonna sell and stuff?

Stephanie: Like anyone who's worked hard on something, I want it to be successful in terms of reaching people who will benefit from it. I feel extra passionately about it because in this case, the book is about trying to convince people to help others. So it has this potential for a ripple effect of people showing up to help others in new ways, and I am curious and excited about what that could do for the world around us. 

I also — in these moments where I feel overwhelmed or stressed or I get pulled back into Old Happy ideas of success, I lean on the people I love in my life, like you, who always show up and remind me of what matters most. Having Alex be like, “Hey, come on, let's approach this in a New Happy way,” or “Don't get caught up in that Old Happy idea,” has helped me to internalize these values in a new way. It shows me that once again, no one can escape Old Happy by themselves. We have to let go of this idea that we're supposed to do everything alone. This includes any inner work that we do, too, and it’s why I think it's important we gather people around us who are striving for the same types of values and goals in their life, and the same ways of living and connecting with the world, because that's what will make it possible for us to change. 

Hayes: Something that I find so helpful about the Old Happy/New Happy framework is even just having those two terms! To be like, “What's a New Happy way of looking at this?” That language? I didn't have that language before. It’s been really useful for me in snapping out of Old Happy thought spirals.

Stephanie: I don't know if you remember this, but in the book, I talk about this one time last year when The New Happy was up for some design awards, and I kept thinking, “I really hope we win this.” At first it was just exciting, like, “This would be really cool and fun.” And then it turned into Old Happy messages of, “If I win this, it'll prove that I'm good enough and I'll deserve to call myself a designer” — or an artist, to your point earlier. And I called you. 

Hayes: Me?

Stephanie: I called you and we talked about it, and you said, “That's Old Happy in your head.” You probably don't even remember, do you?

Hayes: I don’t. 

Stephanie: Yep, you’re in the book. You said, “That's Old Happy in your head. Is this how you want to live?” And I said no. And then I let it go, and it never bothered me ever again. We have to help each other with this. We're fighting these forces that are incredibly powerful and none of us can do it alone. None of us can try and overcome the deeply ingrained pressure to achieve in our society without having help from other people.

Hayes: Even you? 

Stephanie: Especially me.

Hayes: Why especially you? 

Stephanie: The only reason that I can write about Old Happy is because I know it so well. I'm deeply, intimately familiar with what it means to feel like you're never enough, and that if you can just work a little bit harder, you maybe can be enough. Some people think the best way to become better is to rid yourself of your weaknesses. But I was trained in positive psychology, which argues that the best way to become better is to emphasize your strengths and the things that give life, the things that bring joy, the things that create meaning and purpose. If we can return to New Happy in these moments, which I believe is generative enough and loving enough and fulfilling enough, we can eventually overpower any of these limiting ideas that we have about ourselves and our world, because we know deep down how hollow they are. Once you see it, it becomes kind of impossible to unsee. That's what I hope people will get out of this book: They get the name for Old Happy, they start to see it, and that they start moving towards something that actually brings them joy. On a daily basis and for a lifetime. 

1. More of this story is in her book, but for clarity, Stephanie is referencing the years that her partner Alex was suffering from a devastating illness. In 2018 he got sick with a mysterious illness and for the next five years (amid a motherfucking pandemic and while writing this book!) they were facing an uphill struggle to save his life. He made it through and is recovering today.

2. Stephanie and The New Happy team

3. Does anyone else LOVE reading the acknowledgments of books? It's genuinely one of my favorite parts. I like to read them first (I pray there are no spoilers), and then again at the end, to see if I can find new meaning. I guess this is what I mean in the intro of this interview series when I said, "I have always been curious about how people make the things they make" — I like to learn about who helped them make it, too.