I love this conversation because it's about so much more than an age gap - I'm fairly close in age with my brothers, one is only 14 months older than me and my other brother is three years younger (and also just graduated college!). Despite our ages, I've always felt the least connected to my older brother and some of the closeness with my little brother disappeared when I went off to college across the country. Now my brothers and I are settled into very different lives far away from each other, but the season of my life that I'm in right now is filled with a new relationship to both of my brothers that makes me so excited. I think the biggest mind shift that helped me is that: our childhoods don't have to decide anything about our futures. We get to decide when we want to try something new and invite them on that journey with us. I've had to push myself to see them as the adults they are, not the annoying brothers who always tried to get out of their chores, and it's been helpful to find things we can share based on our interests now (soccer with one brother, movies/TV with the other). I've also opened up first - not just asking questions, but sharing details about my friends/worries/joys as a way of inviting them into my life and leaving space for them to do the same when they want. I focus more on making each conversation a quality interactions with them than worrying it's not enough. So far, it's been going really well :)
I was just talking about this in therapy this week - I don't have a huge age gap (eldest brother is 7 years older, middle brother is 4 years older) but we never bonded like some siblings do. I always assumed that as adults we would naturally become closer, but that hasn't been the case and I'm struggling with putting myself out there and asking for emotional vulnerability from them. Our family is not a "feelings" family, so the thought of asking for feelings from them is terrifying. I know they care about me, but we rarely talk and only see each other when the entire family gets together. I can't wait to hear your thoughts on the topic of connection and bonding!
I’ll be 30 this year. I have a little brother that is 23 this year and another one that just turned 10. We all have the same parents but of course they have grew wiser with each kid. Sometimes I think the space was caused by me forcing my way out of a place I didn’t want to be. Being the oldest I always felt like I had some responsibility or duty to my brothers. And sometimes I felt (feel) like I raised them. I moved a few states away a few years ago and only see them maybe a couple times a year. The 23 yo brother loves to talk and chit chat on the phone. He travels for work so it’s his way of staying connected. He’ll send me YouTube videos he thinks I like etc. Let’s me know any gossip (we’re from a small place). The 10 yo and I are a lot alike. So we play video games together (and since he’s 10 I can keep up for now lol) and sometimes we just sit on the phone while we do other things. He’s playing games or riding his bike and I’m repotting plants or walking the dog and we just stay on the phone. Of course we will say snippets of whatever we’re doing but it’s kind of like that thing where you have someone in the room and helps keep you on task. I used to think I needed to sacrifice things I wanted to stay closer to them. But now I see it as I get to pave the way for them to do whatever they want. Like moving wherever I want, doing whatever I want. You get it! Anyways, I think you’ll always share a bond with your siblings no matter how far you are or go. I think a lot of it is just being supportive and encouraging and kind of finding a balance of checking in and also letting them live their life.
This is probably one side to things when there is 10,000 others but hopefully there’s something in here that helps or makes someone feel a little less guilt for not doing more etc.
Happy brothers graduation ~ I know you’re the besssst big sis! Safe travels, love all the work you do! 💖
I love this conversation because it's about so much more than an age gap - I'm fairly close in age with my brothers, one is only 14 months older than me and my other brother is three years younger (and also just graduated college!). Despite our ages, I've always felt the least connected to my older brother and some of the closeness with my little brother disappeared when I went off to college across the country. Now my brothers and I are settled into very different lives far away from each other, but the season of my life that I'm in right now is filled with a new relationship to both of my brothers that makes me so excited. I think the biggest mind shift that helped me is that: our childhoods don't have to decide anything about our futures. We get to decide when we want to try something new and invite them on that journey with us. I've had to push myself to see them as the adults they are, not the annoying brothers who always tried to get out of their chores, and it's been helpful to find things we can share based on our interests now (soccer with one brother, movies/TV with the other). I've also opened up first - not just asking questions, but sharing details about my friends/worries/joys as a way of inviting them into my life and leaving space for them to do the same when they want. I focus more on making each conversation a quality interactions with them than worrying it's not enough. So far, it's been going really well :)
I was just talking about this in therapy this week - I don't have a huge age gap (eldest brother is 7 years older, middle brother is 4 years older) but we never bonded like some siblings do. I always assumed that as adults we would naturally become closer, but that hasn't been the case and I'm struggling with putting myself out there and asking for emotional vulnerability from them. Our family is not a "feelings" family, so the thought of asking for feelings from them is terrifying. I know they care about me, but we rarely talk and only see each other when the entire family gets together. I can't wait to hear your thoughts on the topic of connection and bonding!
Oh I cannot wait for this newsletter from you!
I’ll be 30 this year. I have a little brother that is 23 this year and another one that just turned 10. We all have the same parents but of course they have grew wiser with each kid. Sometimes I think the space was caused by me forcing my way out of a place I didn’t want to be. Being the oldest I always felt like I had some responsibility or duty to my brothers. And sometimes I felt (feel) like I raised them. I moved a few states away a few years ago and only see them maybe a couple times a year. The 23 yo brother loves to talk and chit chat on the phone. He travels for work so it’s his way of staying connected. He’ll send me YouTube videos he thinks I like etc. Let’s me know any gossip (we’re from a small place). The 10 yo and I are a lot alike. So we play video games together (and since he’s 10 I can keep up for now lol) and sometimes we just sit on the phone while we do other things. He’s playing games or riding his bike and I’m repotting plants or walking the dog and we just stay on the phone. Of course we will say snippets of whatever we’re doing but it’s kind of like that thing where you have someone in the room and helps keep you on task. I used to think I needed to sacrifice things I wanted to stay closer to them. But now I see it as I get to pave the way for them to do whatever they want. Like moving wherever I want, doing whatever I want. You get it! Anyways, I think you’ll always share a bond with your siblings no matter how far you are or go. I think a lot of it is just being supportive and encouraging and kind of finding a balance of checking in and also letting them live their life.
This is probably one side to things when there is 10,000 others but hopefully there’s something in here that helps or makes someone feel a little less guilt for not doing more etc.
Happy brothers graduation ~ I know you’re the besssst big sis! Safe travels, love all the work you do! 💖