#25: Am I Selfish for Coming Out on Christmas?

Plus, the checklist I use before telling anybody...anything.

Me, 9:43 a.m., finishing this Hello Hayes letter, surrounded by flowers from my siblings and puppy to celebrate my PODCAST LAUNCH!!!!!, after scarfing down a bowl of Mesa Sunrise

Hello Hayes,

I’m spending Christmas with my mother’s family this year, and every time I do I’m pressed with questions about why I’ve never introduced them to a boyfriend and when I’ll get married and have kids (I’m 21-years-old and women in my family have historically done this very young). Someone always tries to set me up with the grandson of a family friend, no matter how many times I politely decline. 

The issue is that I’m a lesbian and I’ve known this for a very long time, but have never told any of them because they’re rather conservative. It would break my grandma’s heart to know that her favourite grandchild (her words, not mine) would not give her great grandchildren, which is something she’s always been set on. (Obviously lesbians can have children, I just don't want them lmao.) It would be like I was letting her down.

My girlfriend recently introduced me to both of her extended families and it was a shock to my senses. I came prepared for some snide remarks at the very least, but was met with nothing but warmth and acceptance, especially from her grandparents, who insisted that I drink and dance with them. It's such a wonderful thing to be welcomed like that, and I love that I'm invited to all of their family events now. It just makes me a little sad that I can’t do the same for my girlfriend. (We’ve talked this over and she understands that I’m not out to my family and that this is the only reason that I haven't introduced her, she knows how proud I am to have her on my arm and in no other situation do I keep my mouth shut about her.)

On one hand, I’ve never intended on coming out to my extended family. I’ve had it in my head that I never would and I’ve become comfortable with the idea of that future. They’d think that I simply never married, that I was some kind of spinster woman who was happier committing herself to her career, rumours would speculate about my long term female room mate but enough Catholic guilt and denial would shut down anything truly coming to fruition. 

On the other hand, having seen the way my girlfriend’s family accepted me with open arms, I’ve realised that that’s something I truly want. I don't just want to live in implications, I want to bring her to weddings and barbecues, I want Christmas cards addressed to both of us, I want to be able to bring her to my family. 

I know that there’s a handful of people who would have no problem with it, but the main matriarchal figures in my family would be strongly against this. Even though it would be difficult, I’m probably ready to accept the consequences. My grandmother wouldn't speak to me for a while but she’s relatively young for a grandma and I know that I’d see her again. I wouldn't be the favourite grandchild anymore but that’s okay, my brother and cousins can get a fair shot at it now. I’m not super close with the others so if anyone else didn’t want to speak to me again, I’d be able to move on. 

I do worry that this would unfairly impact my mother’s relationship with her — their relationship has always been difficult, there’s a very strong power imbalance between the two of them, and my mum has always been very loyal to her mother and has always told her everything. I came out to my mum a long time ago and I worry that if my Grandma finds out now, it would be like I was unveiling that my mum had been keeping this big secret from her. It might be better to keep quiet for the sake of peace, “the overall family structure is bigger than myself,” kind of thing.

I also worry that coming out over Christmas might be a bit self absorbed, like I’m making the whole day about me and my gayness? I’d be like the dyke who stole Christmas, which is not how I want this to come across, there’s just no other occasion where all of these people are in the same place which isn't a birthday or wedding, which I know would be even more inappropriate.

So I turn to you. What should I do? 

Sincerely, 

To Come Out or Not to Come Out, 

Hello To Come Out or Not to Come Out, 

There are so many things that I admire in your letter, my love. One of them is how you received this portal to your potential future with curiosity and optimism and humor. No wonder your girlfriend likes you. Your letter inspires me because, while you felt awakened by her family’s welcoming of you — the dancing, the drinking, the invitations to the next party — there’s another world where you shut down. Shrinking would be a completely natural reaction to a core coping mechanism getting punctured.

Our experiences shape our coping mechanisms, and it’s truly wild what our brains will do to prevent us from feeling pain — real or imagined. For however long you’ve known you’re lesbian, you’ve also “known” that you could never tell your Grandmother, who it seems has played a big role in your life. That’s a long period of knowing. I picture those truths growing in tandem, like two roots reaching for each other, climbing up the side of your home, clinging to the walls, becoming inextricable. At this point, I’d understand if your belief that you’ll never tell your Grandmother feels as true as your identity as lesbian. 

When there’s a loud truth about yourself that you’ve only ever known in connection with a quiet one — I like girls and want to be open about it, but I can never tell my Grandmother or extended family — it’s bound to have a strong impact on how you live your life and structure your world. We see this in how you created an entire alter ego!!! The spinster auntie? She sounds fabulous but lonely. Like a home, you build this persona to protect you, but the longer you indulge it, the more brain power you devote to these characters, the more we believe it’s the absolute truth. It’s hard to leave a home when you’ve lived in it your whole life. It’s part of your identity, and you believe it’s part of your future just as strongly as you believe in everything you know about yourself. 

It’s a dangerous road because it makes us inflexible to change. The irony is that the act of imagining futures for yourself can be an effective tool for coping with disappointment or making a tough decision or adjusting to a radical change of circumstances. Take having babies for example. You don’t want them, I know, but so many people reading this letter might, and they might be struggling to conceive or they’re single and approaching the age where they feel they need to decide whether they want to become a parent by themselves. Unless you grew up around childless people or single parents, most don’t even consider imagining a life without children. So when you’re faced with that reality, you don’t know where to begin in processing it because it has never been a part of your imagination. To those people, I’d say, give yourself a moment to imagine it. Imagine what life could be like as a single mom, as a childless person — what are the things you’d get to do? What are the unique joys that you’d have? You don’t need to believe it yet…just imagine it. 

When used as a tool to help you when you’re stuck, creating alternate visions for your future can be life restoring. It’s what you did when you were young and you told yourself that you would be the spinster aunt. You imagined the possibilities, and you accepted them. You saw the positive side of things, because you wanted to, but also because you felt you had to. But the key to this tactic is being able to change your mind when you see there is another way. People who are sad and stuck are the ones who write off new possibilities because they refuse to begin the process all over again. They refuse to imagine a new future. They yell at me: WHY WOULD I LET GO OF THE ONE THING I KNOW TO BE TRUE? DON’T YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND TRUE THINGS IN LIFE, HAYES? I do know. But I believe deep in my belly that there are millions of little truths for what your life can look like. The magic they can hold. Bravery is when you challenge yourself to see them. 

I don’t have to tell you this though! You already did it. Effortlessly. You danced with her grandparents and clinked glasses and said, okay, I see a different future, and I’m ready to embrace it. We could all learn something from your courage. I hope that when new possibilities dance into my life, I sway with them just like you did. 

Now to your question: What should I do? 

You know what to do — I believe you feel it’s time to come out to your Grandmother — but I think the question is, is Christmas the right time? I can’t answer that, but I can tell you how I think about these decisions. 

There are many questions in my inbox this holiday season about whether it’s OK to “break some news” to family on the holiday, whether it’s selfish, how to prevent them from getting mad or accusing you of ruining the holiday, etc. Well. There are some things we can prevent and there are some things we can’t. The type of person who will accuse you of being selfish for coming out to them is probably going to do that no matter what day you choose. 

I do have some general thoughts though. Whenever I have news about myself to share — something that is my choice, my decision, but might have an emotional impact on the people around me — I go through the following checklist. (Some of these points will apply to you, To Come Out or Not To Come Out, and others won’t.) 

Here they are: 

1. Why do I want to share this information…and do I actually want to? I like to get clear on my “why” before I announce anything personal. Is it out of obligation? Am I looking for support or a second opinion? Do I want to create closeness with someone I’m drifting from? All are valid reasons, but they impact my approach differently. Sometimes your “why” will make you realize that you don’t actually want to share…but you feel like you have to. And listen, loves. You don’t have to share. You’re allowed to keep things personal for however long it takes for your “why” to come from a place of strength. 

2. Is this a good time for me to share this information? You want to make sure that YOU are set up for success when sharing. That’s the most important thing. So before you start accommodating everyone else’s needs, you first need to get clear on yours. If it’s not a good time for you to announce your impending move across the country at a family dinner, you don’t need to do it then just because everyone is together. Think about your ideal circumstances, how you’ll feel most comfortable, and then go from there. 

3. Does our relationship warrant my extra care and thoughtfulness? Sometimes the answer is a clear YES: of course I want to consider their feelings, preserving our relationship is just as important as speaking my truth. But if you have a fraught or estranged or toxic relationship with a person, it’s more complicated. If you do, I’d go back to the first question: Why do I want to share this with them? If it’s out of obligation, consider whether you even need to. If you do need to, and are just trying to figure out the best way to break the news, then ask yourself: Have they shown me decency in the past? Or have they shown me that no matter my empathy and soft approach, they do not accept or receive my truth with understanding? If they don’t, then take the next question with a grain of salt. 

4. Is this the right time for them to receive the information? Setting yourself up for success sometimes means setting other people up for success too. If you know this person is irritable in the evening, don’t tell them big news in the evening. If you know they’re presenting in an important meeting at noon, don’t tell them at 11:30 a.m. If you can create an opportunity to tell them in private rather than at the dinner table with all the extended family, do that. 

5. Have I catastrophized the potential outcome? It’s human nature to assume the worst. Sometimes it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy though. We think our parent is going to scold us when we say we failed our chemistry exam, so we bring all of our defenses to the table when we tell them, and then they do get angry, not because we failed, but because of our delivery. Or maybe it’s just that we spend all this time in advance imagining how horrible the conversation is going to go, we’ve lost sleep over it, but then it happens and it wasn’t so bad…and you realize that the only person who is tortured by this conversation is yourself. Take a beat to consider all this if you’re currently feeling anxious about sharing some news. 

6. Who can I process the outcome with later? Anytime I’m nervous about having a conversation, LITERALLY ANY TIME, I tell someone else about it in advance. It takes a little bit of the edge off, makes me feel less alone, and then, if the conversation is turbulent or unsettling or sad, I know exactly who to go to afterwards. I don’t have to waste any of my already dwindling emotional energy questioning who I should talk to — I just go to the person I checked in with beforehand. Decision made! (If you can’t think of anyone to check in with before or after, use my inbox! I can’t get to everyone’s letters, but you can always write. And writing always helps.) 

Not all of those ideas relate to your situation, To Come Out or Not To Come Out, but if any of them sparked something in you…listen to whatever is there. 

The last thing I’ll say is that you are not responsible for your mum’s relationship with your Grandmother. The power imbalance you mention…it predates you. Anything you do to “make it worse” will never be about you. It’s about them. 

If they tell each other everything, and if your mom hasn’t told her that you’re lesbian, then you need to trust that your mom — a woman who created a daughter as smart and sensitive and wonderful as you — you must trust that she’s weighed the consequences of her decision. She’s thought it through and she’s willing to accept any ramifications of keeping your confidence and honoring your bond. It’s a beautiful thing, what we’ll do for the people we love. But you already know this.

Yours, 

Hayes 

Send me your letters at hellohayesadvice@gmail.com