#21: Am I An Asshole for Being Intimidating?
Depends which kind of intimidating you are.
Hello Hayes,
A friend recently told me that I can come off as intimidating when you first meet me. This didn’t hurt my feelings coming from her, because I trust her and know she’s coming from a loving place. But it’s not the first time I’ve heard that sentiment. I have a hard time grasping it because it’s so at odds with the way I see myself. On the other hand, I have also been told by people at work that I am approachable and warm. I keep thinking about this conflicting description and why it’s bothering me so much. Is being “intimidating” an insult? Am I coming across as an asshole?
Yours,
Unintentional Intimidator
Hello Unintentional Intimidator,
I don’t shy away from coming across as intimidating. I know who I am. I don’t use fear to manipulate people into doing what I want, I don’t lure them into corners with toxic charm.
If someone were to say they were intimidated by me at first, I’d take it as a compliment. In having the psychological safety to tell me so, they prove what I’ve always suspected: While something about me may stir or intimidate you at first, something else about me will disarm and comfort you moments later.
You, like me, have range, my love — you can be intimidating and warm and everything in between.
Also: It’s okay if you’re not “approachable” 100% of the time. Few leaders are — not to mention, how exhausting. It’s not your job to put people at ease or to constantly be available or to make yourself seem small just so someone else can feel normal.
If I overheard a conversation where one guy said to another, “hey, you know Hayes in real life, what’s she like?” and the other guy said, “she’s warm, approachable, and kind” — or some other lukewarm third adjective — I’d feel so misunderstood and disappointed. I aspire to be so much more than nice or easy. And if in pursuit of becoming myself I come across as intimidating, well, I’m fine with that.
It seems like you know who you are, so why are you concerned with what your friend (and the person before her) said? Perhaps because her feedback was lazy and gave you no real tools to reflect. “Sometimes you come across as intimidating” is as revealing as “sometimes you are cranky” or “sometimes you seem bored.” Well, yes. How helpful.
Was she responding to a specific situation? Did she elaborate? Did she provide any evidence or hypothesis of the harm you caused — or can you reflect and draw any conclusions on your own? Can you identify things about yourself that others might be intimidated by, perhaps because of jealousy or confusion or difference in personality?
I call the feedback lazy because I think “intimidating” is a lazy word. If you were being intimidating, in the malicious sense, not in the unintentional vibey one, she could have said you were being curt or uninterested or sarcastic — any of these more specific words would give you a clearer picture of your behavior and a roadmap for how to address it.
But “intimidating”? It’s so subjective. Someone could be intimidated by your quiet and mystery, by your daring personal style and because you didn’t wear florals to the summer wedding. They might feel threatened by your brain or your boyfriend or the brilliant way in which you appear to have it all together.
If it’s bothering you, and if this is a trusted friend, you can ask for clarity: “The other day you told me I can come across as intimidating. Can you tell me more about what you meant?” But only ask if you’re interested and willing to hear the feedback. Not all feedback is worth hearing. If you know you are warm and compassionate, if you can identify the things about yourself that others might be intimidated by and confirm that they are not self-utilized manipulation tactics, then I don’t think you need to hear your friend’s interpretation of the situation.
I ultimately don’t know if you’re coming across as an asshole, I’m not there. What I do know, or what I do suspect, is that you’re an overthinker who cares deeply about what others think about them. (It’s me, hi…) And so, in my eyes, the greater purpose of your friend’s comment is that it’s pushing you towards greater self-confidence, towards accepting that you know who you are. People might have opinions about who you are, how you act, the way you present. If you ask for constructive criticism, someone will always raise their hand to provide it. The beauty of knowing yourself, of really knowing yourself, of understanding your flaws and strengths and neutrals, is that you can decide which pieces you’re looking for feedback on — and which pieces are not open for discussion.
The fact that you’re sometimes intimidating? Thank you, next.
Yours,
Hayes
Send me your advice letters at alexandrahayesrobinson@protonmail.com
“I aspire to be so much more than nice or easy”- yes.
"The beauty of knowing yourself, of really knowing yourself, of understanding your flaws and strengths and neutrals, is that you can decide which pieces you’re looking for feedback on — and which pieces are not open for discussion." - perfectly said!!! <3<3<3