#19: She Calls My Boyfriend "Babe." Is It Disrespect or Am I Overreacting?

We all need strategies to deal with that pressure cooker in our chest.

Hello Hayes,

I’m writing about something I’ve been back-and-forth in my head for around five years. My boyfriend and I have what I think is a really wonderful relationship. It’s fun, warm, and supportive. I love living with him and spending our WFH days together. Overall, things are really good. When we met he was living with a close girl friend (not girlfriend) of his, who remains one of his best friends today. We didn’t hit it off immediately — I didn’t feel very welcomed by her and she made lots of comments about “my guys” referring to him and their other male roommates. I can’t remember all the things she said back then but I got the general sense that I was invading their close knit relationship and she didn’t want another girl around.

Fast forward a few years and we’re in a much better spot. I often really enjoy her company, however, she still says things that really bother me, and I don’t know how to approach it. She calls him “babe” a lot in front of me (and other people) and every time I hear it, I have a pressure cooker in my chest that’s about to explode. In my opinion, it’s disrespectful to refer to someone else’s partner with these terms of endearment, especially publicly. She calls a lot of people babe, including me sometimes, but specifically when I hear it directed at him, it’s bothersome. Part of me thinks she says it to him more than other people but maybe that’s just what I notice.

I’ve brought up my frustration with her behavior to my boyfriend a few times over the years and usually he’s very supportive. He acknowledges that she’s a difficult best friend to have and he totally understands where I’m coming from. He’s offered to talk to her about the ‘babe’ thing but I haven’t asked him to yet because I worry that it will be awkward afterward. I’ve also pondered the idea of talking to her myself but part of me feels like it would be nice to have him back me up on this and it’s been so long since it started, I kind of feel like I should've brought it up before. I guess I worry my feelings will be diminished if her response is “oh, well I treat everyone like that”.

Anyways, Hayes, do you think I should bring it up? Is she being disrespectful or am I overreacting? For me, this has been one of the hardest (and most repetitive) issues that has come up in my relationship. I want to let these feelings go so I don’t need to spend so much time thinking about it. 

Sincerely,

Gal Seeking Courage and Guidance

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Hello Gal Seeking Courage and Guidance, 

I don’t think it’s disrespectful for another girl to call your boyfriend babe, so long as her words aren’t coupled with inappropriate behavior. If she called him babe and also sat on his lap, or played with his hair, or sent him pouty photos, or regularly excluded you from activities, then I’d say perhaps the “babe-ing” is indicative of a larger issue. But because she calls everyone babe, because you seem to get along now, because you otherwise feel secure in your relationship and about theirs (you say) — I don’t see this as an issue. 

I understand it feels like an issue though. The pressure cooker in your chest? I know it well. There are always going to be people, words, situations that build that fiery feeling within us, and part of being a functioning human in the world means having the ability to lift the lid and let off some steam. 

I’m sorry that this has been one of the hardest and most repetitive problems in your relationship. I’m glad to hear that your boyfriend didn’t dismiss you when you brought it up, and that he (usually) is supportive. I imagine though that if this topic keeps coming up he is going to grow frustrated and burned out from the conversation — as will you. 

What is it going to take for you to let it go? As you know from reading my column and listening to my advice, I believe sometimes “say nothing” is the solution. Some issues we have with others are really issues we have with ourselves. This is one of those times. 

Is this really a disrespect thing, GSCAG? I don’t know you, so I don’t know the kinds of things you feel disrespected by, but I have a hunch that if you’ve been upset about this for years, if it’s the main issue in your relationship, then it’s about much more than the principle of “it’s disrespectful to speak to someone else’s partners with these terms of endearment — especially publicly.” (I actually think publicly makes it better! Would you rather she only call him babe in private?) 

Are you disrespected by hugs or kisses when you greet someone? How do you feel about a casual “love you” at the end of a conversation? These, to me, are all on the same level as calling someone “babe” — but I do these things regularly, to all my friends, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, or relationship status. Perhaps you and I are fundamentally different in this area. 

If we’re not so different, if you’re having a realization at this very moment (“a-ha Hayes, I think it’s not a disrespect thing after all!”), can you identify what it is you’re really upset about? I wonder if you feel threatened by this girl, by your boyfriend’s relationship with her. Do you suspect that she’s in love with your boyfriend, if she’s straight? That she’s going to steal him away from you, and that he’ll follow her? Are you concerned that your boyfriend has feelings for her? Do you feel she’s prettier than you? Or smarter or thinner or funnier? Does she have something that you want? It’s hard to admit insecurities to ourselves, especially when they exist in something that is stable and whole. We might feel guilty for having them, so we repress and mislabel them to boost our sense of self. Whatever you’re feeling now, it’s valid. You’re not rotten or selfish or ungrateful. You’re not overreacting — an unhelpful term, in my book — but you are having an outsized reaction (which is a similar term but feels less negatively charged?). I have them all the time. When they occur, we ask: What can this outsized reaction tell me about myself? 

Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Pure speculation: I wonder if she prides herself on being a guy’s girl. She might hope to be a groomswoman one day in their wedding. Is she single, by chance? Does she want to be in a relationship? If so, I could see how having a large group of close male friends could make her feel better about the situation. When you say that when you first met her, you “got the general sense she didn’t want another girl around” — you’re likely right. Another girl in the picture would pop the New Girl-esque bubble she built for herself. And I can empathize with how that might have been hard for her at first. Can you? 

It also might not be this deep. She does call everyone babe, after all. 

I would personally not say anything to the girl. I would say something to my boyfriend, which you already did, and I would do some real soul searching as to why this is so triggering for me. Then, with my boyfriend, I would try to reclaim my power by making the word “babe” into a little inside joke. Even if it’s just a smile between the two of you when she says it, like a safe word, but a glance. Brian and I do this now in other situations, like if one of us (me) is losing my mind over something someone said at dinner but we’re in a large group of people and I don’t want to make a scene (back in the day I made more scenes), we’ll just lock eyes and I’ll know in that moment that SOMEONE understands me. Maybe having that with your boyfriend will help. But you can’t continue to bring it up with him. You can have the eyes, the moment, but other than that, you need to let it go. And if you can’t let it go, if something must be said, then I think you should say it yourself. Or a third choice: You can always start calling her babe. 

Yours,

Hayes