Good morning friends,
It’s Tuesday morning, 8:22 am.
Yesterday kicked my ass.
Mondays are always kind of intense. I spend the early morning selecting an advice letter for the podcast, and then I do some light structural or grammatical edits to the letter itself for easier narration. (Most letters I select are already well written, that’s part of why I select them. But every now and then I’ll cut a redundant sentence or break a run-on.) Then I get myself a wee bit presentable and then I tape the episode. Show biz baby!
Then, pretty much as soon as I’m done, I go to therapy. Big morning of feelings!
If I time everything right, I have about 30 minutes in between finishing the recording and needing to hop in the car, but I dillydallyed yesterday and didn’t have that freedom. I arrived at therapy three minutes late.
I sat on the couch and we did our usual hellos.
“Hi Alexandra,” she said. “How are you?”
I rearranged the pillow behind my lower back. I crossed and uncrossed my legs.
“I’m good, but I’m definitely a little frenetic today.”
She nodded. “Being off your routine can do that. I know you like to get here early, go to the bathroom.”
It made me laugh, realizing that I had told her before about my pre-therapy routine. I do like to arrive early. I do like to use the bathroom before our session starts. I have to pee an inordinate amount due to my “clenched bladder” — apparently that’s a new(ish) place where I hold my stress! cool! — and once the pee feeling comes, it’s impossible for me to think about anything else. I’d rather not need to pee during a $210 session.
“I was definitely rushed this morning,” I said. “I recorded the podcast a little late. But I also feel rushed in general. With the move.”
We still don’t have the dates locked or the rental secured but the reality is looming.
Last weekend, while driving to Nate and Al’s for dinner, I suggested to Brian that we do a “fun activity” while we eat and pull out a calendar to “visualize” how much time we have left here.
“Ok, but can we do it in a fun way?” he asked. “I don’t feel like being sad.”
“I literally said it was gonna be fun!”
“I just don’t want to be sad.”
I understood. I feel the same way.
“I don’t think we can avoid the sadness though,” I said. “Like even when we’re happy about the move, I think it’s normal and inevitable to feel sad. We can’t separate them.”
And so we looked at the calendar and realized we have 12-ish weeks. 12-ish weeks until we pack up and move back to New York, but to a new place in New York, a new adventure.
There’s so much I want to do before then and so much I will not get to. That’s just how it’s gonna go. I think I feel at peace with that, but who the eff knows, I might feel VERY DIFFERENTLY when we arrive in New York and all these feelings I’m being so brave about right now come crashing down. Fun timez ahead.
Anywho, today’s Hello Hayes episode is not about any of this at all — it’s about breaking up with a friend who hasn’t really been a friend for a long time. Though the timing of this break-up is not ideal. This friend had a hard year — a traumatic year, says the writer — and while the writer tried to support her friend, the friend has only become more combative, more of the qualities that the writer doesn’t want in her life anymore. She asks: How do I let this friendship go? Am I terrible person for abandoning her in a time of need?
Curious, as always, to hear what you think.
Quick favor, would you please hit the “heart” button at the top/bottom of this post? Tapping it makes a big difference in how my work is shared across Substack. Thanks and happy reading!
Talk soon,
Hayes
