On our "shadow side," Emilie Kiser, and making SOUP SLAAAAY a thing

A different type of letter, from me to you.

Hi my loves! I’ve really missed you. I’m sorry I didn’t write last month. Some people would advise me not to draw attention to it, but I’m sure some of you noticed, and because I care about you and don’t want you sitting out here thinking you’ve missed something or hallucinated an email from me, I’m coming clean. You didn’t miss anything. I just didn’t write. 

I wish I could say that I was just busy having fun, like when I’d apologize to my parents for writing short letters at camp. There’s a part of me that feels like I’ve lost the last two months of my life. Do you ever feel that way? The fact that it’s already November sort of makes me sick. What the fuck did I do in September and October? Oh, I know what I did! I spent many of the last 75 days sick with illness, sick with grief, sick with frustration and fatigue and feeling bad for myself. I’ve been stubborn. And then, the gentle and rational part of me knows I’ve been doing the best I can given my circumstances. And that my best has actually been pretty good. It might even be…impressive? No, don’t go that far Hayes, I wouldn’t say you’re impressive, but you’re not a colossal failure. That’s Haze, my beloved nemesis.

Anyways I’m trying to get myself back. It won’t happen all at once. I do miss writing you letters, so here I am, telling you about some of the things I’ve learned and loved the last month.

Let’s begin.

1. Bring a few extra sizes into the dressing room 

WTF is up with Lululemon’s pant sizing? I know love languages aren’t real, but if they were, I’d say GIFT GIVING is my mother’s love language. When I was home in Boston last week, she took me to Lulu to pick out two new outfits. I got this cute one that I’m wearing below, however when I was in the dressing room, I noticed that my typical size was WAY too small. (I “noticed” — ha! Oh Hayes. As if sizing isn’t something we’re hyper aware of when we’re trying on clothes.)

Listen: these pants were not your typical “too small,” this wasn’t a “I fluctuate between two sizes” type of thing. These pants seemed like they were made for a pre-pubescent child? I haven’t shopped at Lulu in a long time, but is this their thing? Why is the elastic so tight on these goddamn pants??? WHAT TYPE OF CONSUMER LIKES THEIR WAISTBAND TO FEEL THIS TIGHT??? Anyways, I got the pants in a few sizes up and am very happy.

This experience did inspire a new shopping ritual, which is to always bring the next size (or two) up when you go into the dressing room. If you carry any shame around not taking your “typical size” in something you’re trying on, having extra sizes with you in the dressing room eliminates that moment where you need to verbalize that you need the bigger size. Yes, we should also try to let go of shame and dismantle internalized fatphobia, but it’s helpful to have a few in-the-moment dressing room tricks, too.

Also!!! My new office!!! Walls are empty for now but I can’t wait to make this a Hello Hayes haven.

2. This chicken soup for summer colds 

I know, it’s not summer, but this soup always slays. SOUP SLAAAAAAYYYYY. Can you guys hear that in my voice? Remind me to make a video about this so you can hear it, I’m tryna make soup slay a thing. I really love soup. I can’t stress this enough. I’m known to order Tom Yom soup even if it’s 95 degrees and we’re sitting outside on a sidewalk in New York City. What? Huh? I don’t know. My husband Brob isn’t a big soup guy, which is arguably the worst thing about him, but he’s always satisfied when I make this one. 

3. Ruffle athletic socks 

IDK about you but the only shoes I wear these days have serious ankle support. Like if I can’t walk two miles, I don’t want it. I was pumped when I found these adorable ruffle ATHLETIC socks from Free People the other day when I was looking for a little birthday gift for my friend Lauren. (I got her this scrunchy and a pair of the same socks, in case you’re looking for a cute friend gift!) 

I first became interested in ruffle socks when my friend and Hello Hayes reader Colin responded to my IG story suggesting a pair with the outfit I was wearing. 

I love Colin’s taste and he was right! My style tends to be a little boyish, and I like that the ruffle adds some sweetness to my typical Asics and shorts situation. 

4. Trader Joe's Peppermint Pretzel Slims

Dude. These pretzels!!!!! I swear to g-d, they were not in my local TJ’s last season, and when I saw them today I squealed. They were an essential snack when I lived with my friend Jess in NYC in our early 20s. (She just got married in New York! It was the night I wore this green dress.) Pro tip: Put them in the freezer. 

5. Revival Rugs 

I’m in the market for a few new rugs: Brian’s office (Brian is also my husband, Brob is his nickname lol), our bedroom, and our guest bedroom — probably in that order. Unfortunately rugs are expensive AF. This fact was the bane of my existence last time we moved, because all the rugs I loved and *envisioned* for our space were just way out of budget. Then I found this website Revival Rugs and wound up buying two and have been obsessed…this green washable one is incredible and I’d buy it again and again. I have not washed it yet, but I love the fact that I could. (Brian does the laundry in our house and I’m loling thinking about how he’d approach rug-washing. Maybe we’ll video it one time.) 

6. Yellowface by R.F. Kuang 

This is the best book I’ve read in a long time, recommended by my friend Cate who I think should start a book recommendation newsletter. She has incredible taste. She sent me this book as a random friend gift — which is actually such a nice thing to do for a friend, maybe THIS should be the title of this recommendation: “Send your friend a book for no reason” — and by page 3 my jaw was HUNG. Great for my TMJ. It’s smart and readable and awful and addicting, and is a juicy look at the publishing industry and the lengths people will go to get ahead. Must read. 

7. This quote from the book that is on my desk at all times

I don’t remember who first recommended Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott to me, but I owe that person something awesome. It’s the greatest book of writing advice that I’ve ever read, but it also has some gems about life. I came back to this quote the other day while working on something that’s stretching me creatively: 

“E.L. Doctorow said once said that 'Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.' You don't have to see where you're going, you don't have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice on writing, or life, I have ever heard.”

8. 1989 (Taylor’s Version)

Speaking of Brob: Arguably the best thing about him is how much he loves Taylor. I don’t think it’s important to be on the same page about EVERYTHING with your partner, but I love that I can fangirl over her and Brob is right there, fangirling next to me. My favorite “from the vault” song at the moment is Now That We Don’t Talk. Please tell me yours. 

9. Liking someone but not wanting to be them 

Do you guys ever become obsessed with someone? This is gonna be nice and vulnerable of me, but I have a tendency to become so obsessed with someone on the internet that I start to feel bad about myself. I know, not a novel thought, this is the issue with social media, blah blah blah, but I’m trying to be more conscious of it. My current obsession is Emilie Kiser. I’m so entertained by her, as are 2.5 million other people. She makes the mundane seem interesting and I think her personality is so charming. She’s also such a talented editor and has a work ethic like crazy. (This is the plus side of being a creator, I have an appreciation for how hard and time consuming it is to make good things — even stuff that looks like it was done in 10 minutes or less.) Anyway, while I love watching her videos, I’ve noticed that I start to feel bad about myself for not making videos like hers. Mostly for not being as prolific, and for not having as many types of videos that I know how to make well.

Instead of feeling bad about myself, I’m challenging myself to intellectualize this obsession a little bit — what do I like about her videos, beyond what I already said above? Well, she is clearly a routines girly — she films and shares the same morning routine every day, for example — and I’m fascinated and ADDICTED to that. Part of why I’m addicted, I think? Because I have zero routine. I’m a mess. I romanticize having a routine, and her videos make me want to be a routine person even more than I did before. But then again…do I actually want to be a routine person in my real life? Or do I want to be a routine person because I want to make the same type of videos that I love watching so much? I think it’s the latter. Somehow realizing this has made me feel better while watching: “Emilie is a routines girly and I love escaping into her routines. It’s ok that you’re not a routines girly.” Repeat.

10. “No society can understand itself without looking at its shadow side”: A talk between father and daughter 

I have been devastated and struggling since the October 7 terrorist attack in Israel, and my devastation has grown with the continued atrocities in Gaza and the hateful rhetoric that’s risen online and in real life as a result. 

I spent 7-ish weeks in Israel when I was 16, on a leadership trip with my Jewish sleepaway camp. I fell in love with the land and the culture and the people, as most of us do. For the first time in my life, I was excited to be Jewish. What a gift. 

My second trip was when I was 24, this time for just ten days, with fellow Teach For America and Teach For All corps members. This trip felt more serious: not just because we were adults, but because a core focus of the trip was to examine the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, as we always referred to it growing up, through the same social justice lens that we all approached our teaching jobs at home. It was a humbling and intense experience that altered my perspective on the Israeli government's quest for peace long before this current war. 

To help process what’s happening, I recommend this conversation between Holocaust survivor and addiction expert Dr. Gabor Maté and his daughter. (Listen like a podcast. It’s paced slower than what we’re used to and is unedited, but if you give yourself the space to slow down for 40 minutes, I think it’s worth it.)

In one of his books, he writes that “no society can understand itself without looking at its shadow side.” This reminds me of my approach to advice column writing, in that I encourage my letter writers to look at themselves in their search for answers for why their life is the way it is — even at the uglier parts, their “shadow sides.” What I appreciate about Dr. Maté’s conversation is that it helps you, as the listener, look at Israel’s shadow side — but you’ll feel safe while you listen. (Kind of like how I hope my advice columns make you feel, even when I’m doling out some tough love.) 

Ok, that’s all from me. I’m here to chat about any of this in the comments, and please, let me know what YOU’VE been learning and loving. 

I love and appreciate you all and hope you have a fab Thursday and a great weekend ahead.

your friend,

Hayes