Hello Hayes: “I am unattractive without makeup”
Plus, how to give ourselves closure and what it really means when your friend doesn’t visit you.
Hey everyone! This week I’m trying something new and answering three mini Hello Hayes letters in one Substack.
Here’s a sneak peak of those letters:
1: My friends and family make me feel insecure without makeup. How do I reclaim my natural beauty?
2: My college bestie hasn’t visited me in the six years since graduating, whereas I've visited her four times. Should I accept that she doesn't want to be friends anymore?
3: My best friend from elementary school recently fell out of my life. Should I reach out one last time for closure?
You can send submissions to hellohayesadvice@gmail.com. As a reminder, paid subscribers get a “cut the line pass” so please let me know if you’re a paid sub in the email subject line! Last week’s podcast episode on When Instagram Creates Jealousy in Your Friendships featured a submission from one of you.
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Ok, happy reading.
1. On feeling confident without makeup
Hello Hayes,
Growing up I always identified as a tomboy. While my friends dove into the world of cosmetics, I stayed on the sidelines. The idea that makeup is essential for beauty affected me deeply, especially since I had severe facial eczema. I wore makeup to cover it up for a while, amplifying the difference between my made-up face and my natural one. My friends and family would often comment on the contrast, unintentionally validating an insecurity I already had: that I am unattractive without makeup.
I'm in my late 20s now and these memories are more than just scars, they're open wounds. I'm reluctant to go anywhere without makeup. I want to reclaim my self-worth and confidently present myself, with or without makeup. How do I do that? And if these situations arise again, how do you think I should address people in a manner that helps me heal and possibly educates them about the harm of their words?
Yours,
Made Up
Hello Made Up,
A hard truth is that before you can become confident with your natural face, you first have to become comfortable with it. And to get to comfort we have to endure the opposite. If you’ve worn a full face of makeup every day since you were a teenager, this is going to be a challenging habit to break. You’re not used to seeing your bare face in public! In your pajamas, maybe, but in an outfit? This practice is going to stretch you. It will also delight and surprise, but at first you will feel the pull. Instead of asking yourself for confidence right away (and then potentially feeling disappointed when it doesn’t rise like the sun), ask yourself for the courage to chip away at this behavior that no longer serves you. Confidence will grow from grit and repetition.
To be clear, I don’t think wearing makeup everyday is a “bad” thing to do! Love makeup as a tool for self-expression or for fun or as a pick-me-up. But when you feel exposed and vulnerable without it, if the sight of your bare face makes you regularly turn from the mirror, then yes, it’s time to consider a change in how and when you use it. (For the record, this is why I never let myself try eyelash extensions! I fear I’d start to hate the way I look without them.)
You don’t need to go cold turkey. I’d start by removing one product at a time. Maybe for a week you drop the eyeliner, or the bronzer, or the highlight, or whatever it is. Maybe you go to a low-stakes spot without makeup for the first time, like a coffee shop where you won’t bump into anyone you know. Through this weaning process, you might realize that you don’t need to drop ALL the makeup…you just need to drop half of it. You might be like, hey, I feel really good with a tinted moisturizer and a blush and an eyelash curl, so I’m gonna stick with that for a while. Give yourself some flexibility to change your mind as you go.
I say all this with so much compassion for why you feel the way you do. I still remember in high school when one of “the prettiest girls in our grade” came up to me and said, “You look so pretty, your eyes look so blue.” Maybe she meant these as two separate thoughts but when muttered in one breath it clearly communicated: Blue eyes are the best. What to make of my hazel ones? There was a similar situation with my curly hair. Because people told me I looked pretty more often when it was straight, I believed I was ugly when it wasn’t. From ages 12 to 22, I wouldn’t go anywhere without it straight or up in a bun — not to school, not to bagels, not to friends houses. Then, towards the end of my senior year of college, like you, I decided I wanted to feel more confident as my natural self. I started experimenting with wearing it down and natural more often: first to class, then to get a sandwich, then one day, out at night to the bar. Now I wear my hair curly to weddings.
How do we address other people’s comments?
The reality is that we live in a world where people wear makeup and beauty is prized and commented on. When someone tells you that you look beautiful, it isn't always grounds for criticism. Say you're out to dinner with friends and you’re wearing some makeup and the person next to you says, “my God, your skin looks gorgeous, what are you wearing?” If I'm you in this situation and I'm on a journey to embrace my natural skin, instead of telling them how they shouldn't be commenting on my skin, I might accept the compliment and then create an opening for connection. I might say, “you know, I’ve actually been on this journey to wear less makeup because I don’t really feel confident without it, and it’s been a lot harder than I thought since I’ve been wearing it my whole life. Does that ever happen for you?”
I like this sample script because it’s honest without sharing too much. It’s showing some of your emotional reaction to their compliment without blowing it out of proportion or blaming your feelings on them. It gives them a chance to understand you better, and maybe better understand themselves! By asking them that vague question at the end — “does that ever happen for you?” — you give them a chance to share something vulnerable, even if it’s slightly off topic. You’re not asking them to relate to your specific insecurity, just to insecurities in general! Even if they don't feel the same way about makeup as you do, they likely feel similarly about something else.
But what if someone says something more overtly critical? For example, if you're not wearing makeup and someone asks, “do you want some concealer?”
Here are some options (and explanations):
“I’m good, thanks!”
PS: You’re allowed to shut things down without getting too deep. You don't need to suit up every time someone upsets you. Using this option does not make you a people pleaser, it puts you in control of where and how you exert your energy.
“No thanks. I know you’re genuinely trying to help, so just for the future, it makes me feel insecure when people comment on my skin. I’ve been trying to embrace my natural face more and wear less makeup, and you can support me by doing XYZ”
PS: When you know the person has good intentions, it’s nice to say so. It’s also smart to redirect them to how they can help you in the future! (Helpers like to be given ways to help.)
“No, I’m actually intentionally wearing less makeup these days. In the future, please don’t make comments about my skin. It’s a sensitive topic for me and while I don’t think this was your intention, those comments make me feel self-conscious.”
PS: A version of the above for when you don’t have the same good faith in the relationship.
“No, I’m good. Please don’t make comments about my skin in the future.”
PS: Use this whenever you need to!
2. On unequal friendships
Hello Hayes,
My college bestie and I moved to two different cities that are about three hours away and super easy to get to by train. However, in the six years since graduating, I've gone to visit her three to four times and she's never come to visit me. She always says she's meaning to and will find time, but then never does. It makes me sad that she's not putting in as much effort into the relationship as I am. Do I accept that maybe she doesn't see us as adult friends and focus more on the people who make an effort to spend time with me?
Yours,
Frequent Traveler
Hello Frequent Traveler,