#23: He Won't Hold My Hand in Front of One Friend in Particular

There's PDA and then there's....this.

It’s me, hi, I just finished the newsletter it’s me.

Hello Hayes, 

Lately I’ve been struggling to find the right balance between doing things that bring me joy, and protecting other people’s comfort, specifically when it comes to relationships and PDA.

Some background: I’m in a long distance relationship with my partner of several years, and only get to visit him about once a month. Physical connection is something that makes me feel happy and secure in a relationship, and obviously it’s limited since we live thousands of miles apart. When we’re on dates, or out and about in public, it’s nice to have a little PDA — nothing excessive, mostly just holding hands or having his arm around my shoulders. 

My partner happily partakes in this when it’s just the two of us, or when we’re with my friends, but he pulls away when we’re around his friends — his closest friend in particular — and it really hurts my feelings. 

In my most recent visit, we were walking to a party with this friend only a couple hours after I had landed. I tried to hold his hand as we were walking, but he dropped it immediately and ended up walking next to his friend and leaving me to trail behind, as the sidewalk was only wide enough for two. This continued at the party, with him mainly hanging out with the friend and not talking to me very much. It felt really lonely to have traveled all day to see him and not be able to feel physically connected with him for a big chunk of our first several hours together. 

Later that night he brought it up and apologized for it, explaining that his friend is very anti-PDA and has complained about feeling uncomfortable when we or other people hold hands around her, or talk to each other a lot at group social events. At the time I said it wasn’t a big deal because I don’t want to make anyone, let alone his best friend, feel uncomfortable. But in the days since, I've been wondering if it’s fair to prioritize someone else’s discomfort of pretty ordinary behaviors such as hand holding over feeling connected with my partner?

Ideally I would like to find a solution that protects her comfort as well as provides me the physical connection I need in my relationship. Avoiding hanging out with this friend isn’t a viable option, because it’s a priority in our relationship that we are integrated in each other’s friend groups, and he also lives with this friend…so we end up interacting all together in common areas of their home. 

It makes me sad that a big chunk of our time is spent pretending like there’s a brick wall between us. Is the right thing to do to avoid all physical affection around her? I really want to be considerate of her feelings, but I also wonder if it’s right to stick up for mine. 

Yours, 

To PDA or Not To PDA

Hello To PDA or Not To PDA, 

There’s public displays of affection and then there’s PDA. They hold the same meaning in the dictionary sense, but the latter term has a whooooole different connotation in the culture. “PDA” describes behavior that makes us point and whisper, whereas the “public display of affection” behaviors that you describe — holding hands, touching the small of your back, TALKING IN PUBLIC??? — that’s not PDA. That’s just existing in a relationship. 

Now, we don’t all abide by the same relationship norms. Some couples don’t hold hands or touch in public, and if they’re both fine with that, then fabulous. We also might have different interpretations of what falls under the “inappropriate PDA” category. I personally would not make out with my husband at a well-lit restaurant. I would kiss him on the lips though! For like, up to five seconds! Some people might cringe if they saw us kissing in public — even with no tongue!!! — but it’s a vanilla-enough behavior that I don’t care. If they do it in a PG-13 movie, then it’s fine for me to do in public. 

It sounds like your boyfriend’s closest friend — his ROOMMATE, by the way, a piece of info you held onto for quite a long time in your letter!!! — is being unreasonable. And your boyfriend, perhaps, misguided. You have every right to be confused or upset or disappointed that you two are not on the same page regarding what is and what’s not acceptable in your relationship, and how you want to spend your time together when you visit. 

I noticed that when describing the hand-holding incident, you told me that it was “a couple hours after you landed.” Did you want to go hang out with his friends when you arrived? Were you hoping to get some alone time? It would be okay if you were, you know. You say that “being integrated in each other’s friend groups” is a priority in your relationship, but what does integration mean? Surely it doesn’t mean doing whatever you need to, at all costs, to be accepted and liked by the group. It means getting to know them, building your own relationships with them, seeing what his world is like. To suggest that your integration into his world involves not acting like his girlfriend in public? No thank you. 

I’m trying to think of a world where his friend’s “anti-PDA” attitude would be reasonable. Maybe, if she just got out of a really rough break up, she might feel sensitive around benign behaviors like hand holding. Or maybe you’re not being completely honest with me, or with yourself, about the type of affection you’re showing in public. But if your “PDA” is truly harmless and your boyfriend abides by her rules? That raises my Hayesy senses, my love. It shows a lack of maturity and discernment that would create a crossroads for me in my own relationship. 

You’re not being unreasonable. It’s okay to put yourself first. Your boyfriend’s best friend/roommate's “needs” are not more important than your own. Tell him this. Tell him that you gave it some more thought, and while you said it was okay at first and you want to get along with his friend, you’re uncomfortable with her having any say in what love looks like in your relationship. Pause to hear his perspective. Imagining your boyfriend is mine: Outside of a situation where he, personally, is uncomfortable with public affection of any kind, and in order to continue our relationship we both need to shift and compromise our expectations around physical touch, I would expect him to apologize and handle the situation. I don’t care how he gets there, but I’d expect him to hold my hand. 

Yours,

Hayes 

Editor’s note: Hi loves! Moving forward, instead of sending my column weekly on Thursdays, I’ll send it the first Thursday of each month. I don’t know how long this monthly cadence will last, but my educated guess is the remainder of the year. This decision allows me to free up some of my advice-giving brain so I can lend it to other big projects that are brewing in the Hello Hayes universe, which I can’t wait to tell you about when the time is right. When I have new pieces of long-form content to share outside of the monthly column, I’ll pop back in your inbox on Thursdays to guide you to it. Thank you for your support, I’m so friggen excited for EVERYTHING. Mwah. x Hayes