#22: I Slept With My Best Friend. What Now?

"I don't ever want to be away from him. Am I settling if he's not *exactly* what I imagined?"

A throwback picture of me and Brian in his first NYC apartment, the one I mention in my response. You’ll get it when you read. (P.S. I distinctly remember being OBSESSED with this photo lol.)

Hello Hayes,

I’ve had a friend who, over the years, has become one of the most important people in my life. We’ve never once either considered each other in a romantic sense. We live a couple hours away from each other but he comes here at least once a month — and sometimes more — just to spend time together. Well, about a month ago, he came down for my birthday and one thing led to another and we slept together. I'm not the type of person who has casual sex (although I think it’s amazing if other people do), but with this situation it felt so organic, and it was….. really great. 

The next day he went home, and we haven’t talked about it since. The vibe hasn’t been weird or anything — I’m totally fine with not talking about it — but our communication has gone to a new level. We’ve been Facetiming, texting, and flirting for the first time. I guess I'm just feeling confused? He and I both want the same things out of life, to live near our families and have families of our own. We always have! But we also have our differences, like having almost none of the same interests in music or movies, and having different upbringings and backgrounds. 

At the same time, Hayes, I don’t think I ever want to be away from him again. It kinda seems like maybe I should have opened my eyes a while ago and noticed him. Everything is safe and comfortable and secure, but I wouldn’t say we have the flames of passion that I would have anticipated for someone I was interested in, although the sex was great. I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship if I'm not serious. Do you think not having the archetype of what I've pictured for myself in a man is considered settling? Are these dumb questions? 

Yours,

Beyond the Friend Zone

Hello Beyond the Friend Zone, 

I fell in love with my husband Brian the summer before my senior year of college. He’s a year older and had already graduated, was getting ready to move into his New York City apartment with two of his besties. He loved me back, of that I was certain, but there were things he wasn’t sure about. Particularly whether a long distance relationship was a good idea. Would we resent each other? Would someone get hurt? Might we miss out on “fun” with our friends? Could he do it? We initially agreed to continue talking, visiting, loving each other — but not be exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend. Then, during Welcome Week, which is basically just a week of parties before classes actually start, I decided that our plan wasn’t working. I didn’t feel single, I felt very much attached, and pretending to be single was making me sick. I called and told him: Either you’re my boyfriend or you’re not. You pick. 

I tend to be more focused on the now while Brian thinks about the future. This provides great balance in our relationship today, and over time (and with trust), we’ve both become more like the other. At the time, Brian’s inability to know what would happen in the future if we became “exclusive” caused him real pain and confusion. He got some advice from a friend, one of his North Star besties, who is partially to thank for our relationship working out. 

The friend said, “Do you want to be with Hayes tomorrow?” 

Brian said yes. 

“So you don’t need to think so far down the line. If you want to be with her tomorrow, then be with her,” the friend said.  

In asking this simple question, Brian stopped thinking so far into the future. Did he want a future with me tomorrow? He did. And so it began.

There’s a moment in every potentially romantic relationship between two people where everything changes. The phone call I made was our moment: The opportunity to be casual, to be friends, to be anything other than serious had passed. We had seen each other, we had fallen in love, and once that happens, even if you don’t plan for it, it can’t be unseen. Our eyes, as you write in your letter, had opened. 

The moment has come for you and your friend, I believe. There’s no turning back from here. 

The most spectacular of loves often surprise us. They feel unlike anything else we’ve experienced. Your love isn’t what you always pictured because you couldn’t have possibly pictured them. Who they are, what they can teach you, it’s all so far outside the realm of your imagination. 

What is a “flame of passion” if not the urgency of wanting to be close to someone? There is nothing more passionate, in my eyes, than having romantic love for someone you also regard as a best friend. Passion is not nausea and anxiety and not even necessarily butterflies. Passion can be quiet and natural and curious. It’s what you wrote about the last few weeks with your friend. 

There are no dumb questions, my love, but there are answered ones. You already have yours. While your friend might not fit the original “archetype of what you pictured for yourself,” it doesn’t sound to me like you are settling. It sounds like you’re falling in love. 

Yours, 

Hayes

Send me your advice letters at alexandrahayesrobinson@protonmail.com