#12: My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Come to My Brother's Wedding

You've been together three years. He should know better.

Photo booth with Brob, Bella and Jack (my sibs) at my step-brother’s wedding in August

Hello Hayes,

My brother is getting married this August. We’ve drifted apart over the years and I can’t say I’m close with his fiancé, either. Still, I love my brother dearly and am excited to be a part of their day. I live on the opposite side of the country with my boyfriend of 3 years, and they’ve only met in-person once. 

Well, it’s time to buy plane tickets and some feelings have come up as a result. I’d obviously love for my boyfriend to attend so I can introduce him to my favorite family members who I know he’ll hit it off with. My hesitation is that there will be individuals who I prefer not to interact with. To be blatantly honest, I hate that I’m related to some of these people. The irrational and dramatic side of me is nervous he’ll look at me in a different light because of them.

My boyfriend says he’d love to be there for me and my family, but it’s clear he’s not eager about his invitation: there’s the lack of paid time off, the expensive plane ticket, and the fact that I’ve sold some of my family members to him in a slightly negative light. 

I understand his reasons for not wanting to attend. I don’t see myself breaking up with him, but I do see this as a red flag and I’m disappointed that I feel the need to convince him. I don’t want a life in which I feel guilty for asking my partner to attend a family event or where I need to shield him from embarrassing family members.

We’ve had conversations before about his selfish tendencies and have now had two in-depth conversations about him attending. He still treats it like I’m twisting his arm. It’s like he’s waiting for me to cave and say he doesn’t need to go, and all will be fine because he knows I won’t end things. He’s coming as of now, but I want him to step up and make me feel okay about this situation. I want eagerness, damnit!!

Please give me all your thoughts. What should I say or do to turn this wedding situation into a positive for us? How do I steer him away from selfish behavior in the future?

Thanks in advance, 

Stuck in an Unfortunate Rom Com

Hello Stuck in an Unfortunate Rom Com, 

Nothing in your letter is dramatic or irrational. Wanting your boyfriend of three years to join you (with enthusiasm) for your brother’s wedding is pretty basic, as is feeling nervous about some of the encounters that will occur if he does. 

Family is complicated for everyone who is willing to admit it. I don’t know what these individuals in question did to make you hate being related to them, but I can imagine: perhaps there was a bad divorce or Grandpa is a bigot or Sally owns a gun and Jesse has a cocaine problem or someone did something sad to someone you love. Maybe it was to you. Even vanilla families are fraught with some tension. It’s nearly impossible to grow up under one roof without it. (Anyone who says they didn’t I pity: If you’ve never swam in the sea of intergenerational drama, what other emotional pools have you not had the chance to swim in?)

It sounds like your hesitation about the wedding is coming from fear of how your boyfriend will react to the people you don’t like. You’re scared because you don’t know what he’ll think. But after three years together? Really? Three years isn’t long enough to know everything about a person, but it’s long enough to know a person well. Long enough to know, for certain, whether you feel comfortable and safe around them, if you can trust them. Has your boyfriend presented evidence that he’d shame you for how your family behaves? Or is it just a worst-case-scenario that you’ve dreamt with no back up?

The right partner will not judge you for where you come from. Their opinion of you will not muddy as they learn the threads that made you, but they won’t be blind to the realities either. A partner who’s truly in sync with you will take what they witness as an opportunity to more deeply understand and become closer to you. They’ll gladly be your buffer in any challenging, awkward, or unpleasant family situations. We all have family shit — if not now, then later. Stop feeling bad about yours!

I don’t know much about your boyfriend, but from what you’ve shared, it’s clear that his “selfish tendencies'' have been a problem for you. As far as this specific situation goes, you’re right to be concerned about what his apathy means for your future. But since it doesn’t sound like you are ready or want to re-evaluating the relationship altogether, I recommend instead that you have a direct conversation about your needs and expectations. Maybe — and we’re being really generous here — maybe the man just doesn't know better. 

Tell him, plain and simple, how you want him to behave and support you. It’s like how Brian used to get me the dyed flowers at the bodega instead of *literally anything else* — he didn’t know I wanted roses, tulips, peonies. I had to tell him. Perhaps your boyfriend just needs to be told, too.

This is the scene in your Rom Com where you do it:

***

INT. ON THE COUCH IN THE LIVING ROOM — NIGHT 

A quiet night. BOYFRIEND is looking for something to watch on Netflix, GIRLFRIEND walks in.  

GIRLFRIEND:

Can we talk about the wedding for a second? 

BOYFRIEND

(jokes)

Did you change your mind about me having to come?

GIRLFRIEND

[sits on her hands, back straight]

No, but that joke…

GIRLFRIEND

[takes a breath, recenters]

…I understand that I haven’t painted the most flattering picture of my family. When I told you everything, it was just to vent and for you to understand my life and what I’m stressed about. But I feel like you’re holding it against me, and like you decided you don’t want to be a part of my family. I’m hurt that you’re treating my brother’s wedding like it’s not worth PTO. My brother and my family are important to me. I want you to have a relationship with them, but even more so, I want you to WANT to have a relationship with them. I want a partner who wants to be by my side at family events, wants to hear stories about me when I was little, wants to roll their eyes and laugh with me in the corner when someone says something absurd. I feel like I have to twist your arm to make you come, and that you’re sitting on the edge of your seat waiting to be let off the hook. I take responsibility if I’ve made it seem like this wedding isn’t a big deal, but it is a big deal to me and I’m not feeling good about how we’ve approached it as a couple. I’m willing to change my attitude about it and I need you to do that, too. 

***

And now I hand the script to you. I don’t know how your plot will end. I hope that when you have this conversation he’ll hear you clearly and that he changes his behavior. When he does, I hope you notice. I hope you tell him it’s working. That’s a key part of this: While teaching someone how to love you, you need to tell them when they’re doing a good job. And if he misses the mark or does something that doesn’t feel supportive, say it in the moment: Hey, that didn’t feel helpful. I think you were trying to be supportive, but it’d be better if you just listened instead of calling my mom a bitch.  

And listen, my love. If he can’t get it right, if he can’t be there for you in the moments that matter, then you have no reason to stay. Life is long, g-d willing, and there are bound to be more experiences that feel like sorting through garbage. What is the point of having a partner if they won’t sludge beside you? Or wipe the muck from between your toes? Find someone else. You will. But for now, give this a try. 

xo,

Hayes

Send me your letters at alexandrahayesrobinson@protonmail.com. I publish some answers here, some on my Instagram, and others on TikTok.