Do I want to be perfect?

+some really great advice I got from a soon to be author

Hi everyone,

Makua Beach (aka “Tunnels” Beach), Kauai

Today I’m sharing some thoughts on perfection and being too hard on ourselves. There’s a mini essay in here as well as some advice I got from

Justine Doiron

on the Hello Hayes podcast this week. You’ll see when you get to that part how it’s all connected.

I wrote the first mini essay on my flight to Maui in September, and I meant to send it out the next day, but then I second guessed myself and didn’t. I’m not gonna do that anymore. We have places to go and overthinking won’t get us there. So, if there’s something you made and haven’t shared for some insecure reason, today’s the day we get over it!

yours,

Hayes

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On perfection

If anyone were to ask me, Hayes, do you think perfection exists? I’d say no. Do you strive for it? Of course not. Perfection is boring. Grimace. When I think of the art I love, the stuff I’m most inspired by and interested in, I never think, “is it perfect?” I’m too startled by their elements of surprise and weirdness and individual flare. I don’t measure my own admiration for things by how perfect they are, so why would I measure myself by those standards?

Sounds true in theory. Like something a smart, confident person would say. But if I’m honest with myself…I know I think of perfection all the time.

In fact, I want to be perfect.

I. want. to. be. perfect.

I’ve typed that phrase over and over again in this document, trying a million variations to see which sounds most normal and real, everything from “I’ve been wanting to be perfect” to “I think I kinda want to be perfect?” to “I’ve been aiming for perfection” – but, alas, this isn’t a past tense situation. I want to be gorgeous, cool, interesting, smart, inspiring, uncontroversial — unless controversial is better, in which case I’m just controversial enough to be uncancellable. I want to be perfect. There. I said it. Maybe now I can be free.

It was a YouTube comment that did me dirty. I awoke from a mediocre night sleep, probably because I’m watching this horribly manipulative show Tell Me Lies before bed for a guest episode I’m doing on my friend Marni’s podcast in a couple weeks, and instead of turning off my alarm when it buzzed and heading downstairs for phone-free wake up time, I instinctively checked my notifications. Good morning, YouTube!

The comment:

“Hi, thanks Hayes. Your advice column, while of course not perfect as no thing is, has had solid nuanced and quality advice remarkably consistently! It's been a very pleasant surprise to find it.”

An objectively thoughtful and complimentary note, yet the first thing I thought was: Why’d they have to say it’s not perfect?

At first I felt, how odd. How odd to compliment someone’s work with a caveat. If perfection is so obviously unattainable, why did they feel the need to point it out? A bit unnecessary, don’t you think?

Then I noticed my defensiveness, how I was having a pretty outsized reaction to a small thing. So, as the investigative advice columnist that I am, I started digging: If “perfection is so obviously unattainable,” then why was I so triggered by not attaining it?  

***

A few nights later I had dinner with two friends, Lauren and Maddie. I told them this story and we laughed at the silliness of it all, the commenter’s phrasing and the way I reacted to it. Then Lauren said something that managed to both validate my frustration at the comment, but also speak to the bigger problem it brought up for me.

“We ask someone for advice because we want their perspective,” she said. “If they want advice that is ‘perfect’” — that is, advice without a lens — “they can ask Chat GPT.”

How good is that? I share her words with you with you so that next time you’re worried that something you did or made or said isn’t “perfect,” we can all chant in unison: “Bitch! There’s an AI for that!”

***

I have two and a half more hours on this flight and, god willing, hundreds of thousands of hours left as myself. I’ve spent too much of my precious time immobilized by perfection, and you guys, I so deeply want to release myself from its chains. I want to let it go. So:

I hereby announce that I am not perfect! I say things I don’t always mean! I fudge my words! I change my mind! I am good and kind and loving. I make amends and I forgive. I accept that other people might expect perfection from me, consciously or not. I cannot control their expectations and I will not cower beneath them. I will fail and flail and fall short of perfection every time I set it as my standard. So I will not. I say this not to escape my responsibility to do my best, but to free myself from my fear of falling short. I will fall short but I am free. And you, my friend, I want you to be free too.

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This week I had,

Justine Doiron

, aka Justine Snacks, on the Hello Hayes podcast. Her cookbook is out in a couple of weeks and she wrote me an advice letter about some of the overwhelm she feels around book promotion, and ultimately, whether the book will be as successful as she hopes. It’s a brave and vulnerable thing to do, read your own advice letter on an advice podcast…but that’s exactly the kind of person Justine is. Give it a listen if you haven’t already! Spotify here, and YT below.

At the end of the episode, I asked her my own advice question.

Hayes: I feel like I'm starting from scratch with Hello Hayes, which I know isn't entirely true. I’m trying to say it from a place of strength and optimism. I used to feel (and I still feel sometimes) like I missed my opportunity by taking a break from making my videos. I had an opportunity and I fucked it up. I let it go. I have since come around to realizing my opportunity awaits me. I'm starting fresh now with a new foundation, I'm prepared to deal with what's ahead in a way that I wasn't quite prepared for back then. And I'm curious, because I admire you in so many ways and how you’ve built Justine Snacks, how would you approach this moment for me as I get started on social again?

Justine Doiron: I love and adore your perspective, which is why I came here to get advice from you. But I think the starting from scratch mentality of “we're at square one again” is the one mentality that's holding you back. As I see you, you have this wonderful intelligent platform, and this really interesting audience that's super drawn to you, and you make work that is very inspiring. I would reframe “I’m ready to begin again” and instead say, “I'm ready to build upon this even better.”

Hayes: Yeah. Wow. That's the tough love I really need to hear.

Justine: I hope it wasn't too tough. It's mostly love.

We recorded this episode one week before I wrote the essay on perfection you just read. I think her answer is part of what inspired me to finally let my fear go.

Thank you, Justine, and thank you to everyone who reads my work, listens to my show, watches my videos, or supports this project financially via a paid Substack subscription. Thank you for your continued support. Let’s build upon this incredible foundation.

I love you, I really do,

Hayes

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One final note:

In book covers I’m OBSESSED WITH and want to print out as posters for my office….MAINE CHARACTERS by

Hannah Orenstein

, officially available for pre-order now. If you’re an aspiring writer or novelist, Hannah’s Substack is a great place to subscribe. Here’s a piece she wrote about How to Actually Write a Novel, and another about The Story Behind My New Book Cover. Super fascinating stuff about the publishing industry.

From Hannah, who is a childhood friend of mine: “The novel has some themes that you explore with Hello Hayes: tricky family dynamics galore, forgiveness, grief, heartbreak, friendship. And it's not a total downer, I promise — there's a hot affair and great wine and plenty of lake sunshine.”

Order it now and be delighted when it arrives on your doorstep next May, just before MDW.

Bye!